Review of Martyrs

Martyrs (2008)
1/10
This is truly horrible, terrible and atrocious beyond words. The worst.
27 June 2009
Warning: Spoilers
This is probably the worst thing I've ever seen. I mean…really? OK, fine, you put out a movie that is gratuitously violent and highly disturbing, but that's really all it is; not much real horror at all, besides the slight horror I felt when I looked at the time of the movie and saw that I still had a half hour left.

Half the time this isn't even really gross so much as just impossibly annoying and unpleasant. So what, we get an hour of crap with this psychotic lesbian named Lucie tormenting her caring, nurturing friend, who is quite visibly torn between her loyalty and the fact that, I don't know, Lucie just murdered a whole house of people (!!!!...how stupid do you have to be to even think about this, seriously; DITCH HER NOW AND RUN FOR YOUR LIFE), then another half hour of the poor innocent best friend girl locked in a basement being beaten, force-fed and finally f*cking skinned alive, before an uninspired and uncreative ending that left me feeling empty and impartial to any of the characters or meanings that were attempted to be conveyed here. I guess the best part of the movie is the first part, because it is genuinely pretty suspenseful and tense, but it drags on for waaaay too long and loses whatever suspense it was building up to, replacing it instead with…well, annoyance at the Lucie character, really.

The rest is just dung. Can anyone explain how that family went so long without the kids finding out about the huge underground torture chamber their parents had in the basement? Surely there must have been at least one day where one of them was home sick from school and must have gotten the gist that something was awry. That's a plot hole that needs tending to immediately.

The religious and Nazi implications here, as vague and off-kilter as they may be, are disturbing and highly objectionable, and bring down any enjoyment one could ever derive from this mediocre piece of crap. Not only do they shave the girl's head in the third act during her torture, they also bury the bodies of the dead unceremoniously in a giant hole...gee, does that sound familiar at all to you?

...It's really one thing to watch a movie about a teenage girl holding a rapist and pedophile hostage and threatening to castrate him, and it's one thing to watch a movie where a psychotic, rejected lesbian wreaks havoc on her unsuspecting lover's family with a chainsaw, but a movie like this…it goes too far, to the point where it doesn't matter. It's like this movie had to have a neon light over its head flashing LOOK AT ME, I'M SICK AND TWISTED. You know, as if the director didn't have any ideas of his own, so he had to resort to the most stock and clichéd offensive things in the book. The other stuff is there for a reason, for some purpose that is general and unbiased, but this doesn't work. It inspires nothing in the viewer but the question of whether or not he or she should really be watching the movie, thus depriving and desensitizing said viewer of the ultimate "horror" at the ending - not a very good ploy.

And let's talk about meanings, here, too, why not? This movie is supposedly deep and meaningful, but really it's just retarded. The ending sucks, completely contrived and hollow. Ooh, let's be all philosophical and spiritual, that justifies the hour and a half of ridiculous torture pornography, terrible directing and The Unborn-rejected ghost scenes we stuck in there before! I also really love how they call this movie Martyrs, because a martyr was always a poor, screaming, skinny French girl who was forced to be where she was, rather than choosing it, right?

God, this sucks; just forget this trash ever existed. It isn't scary, it isn't meaningful and it isn't compelling even one bit. No disgust, no horror, just a quiet, disapproving shake of the head and a move of the hand towards the remote to turn it off. It doesn't inspire horror or disgust, it just inspires anger and annoyance, and if that's what this director wanted to do (offend), then he succeeded: I hate this movie, I hate the director, I hate the studio that produced it, I hate anyone who would find pleasure in watching it. It is the lowest form of cinematic dung possible. There is nothing worse; there has never been anything worse. Unspeakably, wholly unwatchable.
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