The Charmings (1987–1988)
Snow White Charming: Mother, you shouldn't be doing bad deeds this close to Christmas, you want to be on your best behavior for Santa.
Queen Lillian White: Santa? You two still believe in Santa? Oh this is rich.
Snow White Charming: Why shouldn't we believe in him?
Eric Charming: Hasn't he come every year on Christmas Eve?
Queen Lillian White: This is not the Enchanted Forrest, this is the Twentieth Century. There are no wishing wells, no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, and certainly no Santa Claus.
Sally Miller: [knocks on the door, then enters] Hi, you guys want to come to the mall to see Santa Claus?
Snow White Charming: [referring to Lillian] Mother's spells run hot and cold. Maybe she is going through the change?
Queen Lillian White: How dare she insult my witchcraft! Oh, is it hot in here?
The Mirror: Well, Lillian, let's examine the evidence first. You get us stuck here, now you've brought Cinderella. Next I suppose it will be Goldilocks and The Three Bears, then what are you going to do?
Queen Lillian White: We'll buy some porridge... OK?
Fairy Godmother: Cinderella always has a happy ending, and so do Snow White and Prince Charming
Snow White Charming: You mean we can all go back to the Enchanted Forrest?
Fairy Godmother: Of course, I have my pumpkin coach right outside.
Eric Charming: Snow, did you hear that?
Snow White Charming: We can go home.
Fairy Godmother: Now everyone hurry and pack because the coach turns into a pumpkin at the stroke of 11.
Eric Charming: I thought it was midnight?
Fairy Godmother: That's EFT "Enchanted Forest Time"
Eric Charming: Have I ever told you how I met your mother, son?
Thomas Charming: A million times. Grandma gave Mom a poison apple, you rode along on your white horse and kissed her, and woke her up.
Snow White Charming: [to Eric] Honey, somehow it sounds better when you tell it.
Eric Charming: You left out the best part, that's how I've awakened her ever since.
[Eric and Snow kiss]
Thomas Charming: Why don't you get an alarm clock like everyone else!
Sally Miller: After the game these guys usually go out together, they drink beer, eat pizza, tell off color jokes, and have belching contests.
Snow White Charming: Why?
Sally Miller: It's what they call male bonding.
Snow White Charming: Well, Eric will just have to bond another time because he told me he's coming to my meeting.
Sally Miller: Honey, none of the husbands go to these things. What makes you think you're married to the only prince?
Snow White Charming: Trust me!
Snow White Charming: Has anyone ever told you that you are a cold, heartless woman?
Queen Lillian White: Yes, but I never tire of hearing it!
Cinderella: Fairy Godmother, I really want to go home.
Fairy Godmother: Oh, stop your whining and go look for your shoes!
Fairy Godmother: Perhaps now you realize that good will overcome evil.
Queen Lillian White: Oh, blow it out your wand!
Queen Lillian White: [Lillian has been called in for an IRS audit, and is speaking to herself] They're not going to intimidate me, they're not going to intimidate me, they're not going to intimidate me.
IRS Agent: Next!
[points to Lillian]
Queen Lillian White: You can't do anything to me, I've done nothing wrong.
IRS Agent: I hear that all the time. When it comes to tax fraud, everyone swears they're "lilly white."
Queen Lillian White: But I am Lilly White!
IRS Agent: Sure, sure, sure. Now sit down!
Queen Lillian White: I'm warning you, I'm a witch!
IRS Agent: Oh, yeah? So is my wife. Now, you say you're self employed. Doing what?
Queen Lillian White: Doing this.
[she makes the lamp on the desk levitate]
IRS Agent: Not bad. But I saw that on a Bud Light commercial.
[Lillian then zaps up a huge snake]
IRS Agent: Any other dependents?
Queen Lillian White: Tough room!
[zaps the snake away]
IRS Agent: Now look, lady, I've been doing this for 22 years. I've seen it all, I've heard it all. Now where did you get the money?
Queen Lillian White: I tapped into the credit system through my magic mirror.
IRS Agent: Ok, I haven't heard it all.
Eric Charming: Luther, guess what I am getting Snow for our anniversary?
Luther: Wall to wall carpeting?
Eric Charming: No, we're getting a car!
Luther: All right! A new set of wheels.
Eric Charming: No not just the wheels, the whole thing. This is going to be the best anniversary ever! Right, Snow?
Snow White Charming: Oh Eric, what about what mother said?
Eric Charming: Honey, I would much rather get you a car than a muzzle.
Snow White Charming: No. About when it comes to cars, you don't know diddly.
Eric Charming: Oh, that. Honey don't worry. You know it's like making any decision, you get some good solid advice from someone you know you can trust.
Snow White Charming: Like who?
[Snow, Eric and Luther then watch a commercial playing on their TV]
Honest Abe: [dressed as Abraham Lincoln] Need help buying a car? Then see me, Abraham Jones, AKA "Honest Abe." The honest used car salesman. Don't be a slave to that old jalopy, let me emancipate you into a beautiful new used car. Take it from me, "Honest Abe." Why, if I can't give you the best deal in town, I'll eat a log cabin!
Eric Charming: Honey, I think we found our man!