Mr. Show with Bob and David (1995–1998)
David Cross: Himself - Host, Various, Charles McHutchence, Kevin Ferguson, Mark Treems, Otto Burgher
Bob : Every time a cast member swears, they have to put a nickel in the swearing jar.
David : [drops a nickel into an already full jar] The money goes to Swears For Cares, an non-profit organization committed to raising money through swearing.
Bob : So hopefully, we'll make a little difference.
David : [holds up a nickel] A little *fucking* difference.
[after viewing Coupon: the Movie]
David : I saw the shit out of it!
[eating a burger]
David : This little motherfucker's tasty!
Bob : [trips over box] Goddamnit!
Mrs. Applesway : [gasps] Language!
Bob : Jimmy! What the hell is this young man?
David : I know?
Bob : I'll tell you what it is! It's a box of big black dildos. You and your sister were supposed to put these out last night.
David : I'll do it later.
Bob : You'll do it now!
[hits Jimmy with a dildo]
David : Ow!
Bob : And next time you'll get more than a dildo in the head!
David : Stupid dildos.
Bob : Don't blame the dildos!
The Talking Junkie : Hey, Davey, aren't you supposed to be doing your show?
David : Yeah, I am. But Bob's in there, fuckin' shit up old-school.
David : You've seen him perform feats of unparalleled skill on TV and radio. Now, world-wide billiards champion Van Hammersly presents a series of videotapes designed to teach as well as entertain. With his first tape, "I Oughta Be in Pictures," Van Hammersly showcases his incredible talent and passion for the golden age of film.
Van Hammersly : Lotta people wanna go to Hollywood, see the stars they've seen for lo these many years. Why not take a trip on your own
Van Hammersly : billiards table? Just pick out a few balls and say hello to the stars. Well, look what we have here!
[Picks up ball]
Van Hammersly : Marilyn Monroe, star of the Seven Year Itch!
[Picks up another]
Van Hammersly : Next to her, Humphrey Bogart. "Judy, Judy, Judy!" And next to him, the three crack ups - Moe, Larry, and Curly!
Van Hammersly : Stop it, gentlemen, you're going to screw everything up. All right, it's 1952, and we're on a back lot. It's time for the awards - the Hollywood awards! First of all, Marilyn Monroe, nice to have you!
[Hitting balls into pocket]
Van Hammersly : Humphrey Bogart, "Judy, Judy, Judy!" And next to him, Moe, Larry, and Curly. The Three Stooges! Get on down there, boys!
David : Then it's off to the races as Van recounts the running of the 1974 Kentucky Derby the only way he knows how - with a pool table!
Van Hammersly : It's 1974, March 15th, and horseracing history is about to be made. A hot muggy day, all the horses are at their gates - let's run the race, shall we? First of all, Mr. Fasthorse comes down his gate real slow-like. Not like his name at all!
[hitting balls into pockets]
Van Hammersly : Papa's Delicate Condition and Krystallnacht almost trip over each other! Get your bets in, gentlemen, because Batman: The Horse isn't waitin' around for anybody! Nice 'N' Sticky says, "What about me, boys?" Next up, Stinkfinger. Next to her, If Mandy Patankin Was a Horse comes in. Bringin' up the rear, Ol' Felcher! And that's how the race was run!
David : Tape number three, "All Aboard," teaches you about the history of mass transportation.
Van Hammersly : [Swirling billiard balls around table with his hands] 37 people died in a massive triple decker bus accident in London, Britain, New Hampton, Wales!
David : And if you order right away, you'll receive "Your GED." Simply viewing this tape qualifies you for a high-school diploma. Van teaches you mathematics.
Van Hammersly : You simple subdivide each part by its cosine.
[hits ball into pocket]
David : Science.
Van Hammersly : Bam, bam -
[hits ball into pocket]
Van Hammersly : and that's why we have nitrogen!
David : American history.
Van Hammersly : And that's when Lincoln said
[hits ball into pocket]
Van Hammersly : "Don't diss my homies!"
David : You'll receive one tape every year. Your library will grow, as will your knowledge of such diverse topics as: Renaissance painting, oceanography, corn futures, belly dancing; December 7th, 1941; billiards, rock lyrics, and many, many more! These are simply the best teaching-by-billiards tapes you can purchase. That's why they've earned the TBD gold seal.
David : I'll tell you where they are. They're out there laughing. Laughing at you. They're laughing at the big, fat asshole.
Bob : Okay, as part of a new government program, certain artists have been assigned senators to monitor them.
David : They made me wear a tracking collar.
Bob : If David steps on a stage, it produces a low-level electric shock.
David : It's not low-level, it really hurts.
Bob : Okay look, obviously the show isn't that important to you.
David : Bob, men can kiss. Men can get married. There's even a pill now that lets men make love to each other!