Big Daddy (1999)
Adam Sandler: Sonny Koufax
Sonny : Okay, what do you want?
Julian : Cheerios.
Sonny : Cheerios? They don't got Cheerios. What else?
Julian : Lasagna.
Sonny : Lasagna? What the hell is the matter with you? Um, we'll take hot cakes and sausage...
Employee : Sorry, sir, we stopped serving breakfast.
Sonny : What are you talking about? We're FOUR seconds late.
Employee : No, you're 30 minutes and four seconds late. We stopped serving breakfast at 10:30.
Sonny : Aw, HORSESHIT!
Sonny : [Julian is bouncing up and down in front of the TV on a rubber ball] Hey.
Julian : Hey!
Sonny : You like hockey?
Julian : You like hockey?
Sonny : This is a big, important game.
Julian : This is a big, important game!
Sonny : Cut the crap.
Julian : Cut the crap!
Sonny : I'm being serious, don't do that.
Julian : I;m being serious, don't do that!
Sonny : [quickly] How much wood would a wood chuck chuck, if a wood chuck could chuck wood?
Julian : [stops bouncing]
Sonny : That's what I thought. Shut up.
[Julian resumes bouncing in front of the TV]
Julian : But after my nap I always watch the Kangaroo Song.
Sonny : It's overtime right now and there's a penalty shot about to take place. This happens about once every ten years so...
Julian : Kangaroo song, kangaroo song, kangaroo song, KANGAROO SONG!
Sonny : ALLLRRIIIGGGHTT! God you were normal yesterday!
Sonny : Hey! You just made the biggest mistake of your life, baby. I know you're gunna be missing me when you have that big, white, wrinkly body on you with his loose skin and old balls... gross! Ugh!
Sonny : [steps on Julian's Scuba Steve Doll] Ow, Scuba Steve! Damn You!
Sonny : I'm going through a rough patch in my life right now. Syracuse is 0 and 3. I got those medical problems.
Vanessa : Medical problems? A cab runs over your foot 2 years ago, you spend one night in the hospital.
Sonny : First of all that cab was huge. And a jury decided that one night of pain was worth two hundred thousand dollars, so there ya go.
Sonny : What, you want a father figure? Stop pulling your sister's hair!
[afternoticing Julian had wet the bed]
Sonny : My God, that's a shit load of piss.
Sonny : Have a good sleep there, Corrine. Pleasant Hooters!
Sonny : [Mocking Corinne] "We wasted the good surprise on you!"
Nazo : What are your cards?
Julian : I got a 6, a 5, a Jack, a 4 and a 8. I win!
Sonny : What do you mean "you win"? I had a hand just like that before, I didn't win?
Julian : Because I win.
Nazo : This is bullshit!
Sonny : Alright, take it easy man.
Nazo : Every time different cards, he still wins?
Sonny : What's in the bag Corrine? Chicken wings? Booby tassles?
Sonny : Where's Kevin?
Corinne : Oh, he already left. He forgot to say goodbye to you.
Sonny : Then why are you here?
Corinne : I'm cleaning because you're useless.
Sonny : Then are you going to go to your Hooters reunion? And talk about who's ass sticks out the most while wearing your shorts?
Corinne : At least I can fit my ass in to my shorts, fatty.
Sonny : [Taking out leftover food from fridge] Speaking of fatty, whose is this?
Corinne : I don't know.
Sonny : I'm eating it then.
Sonny : Hey man, who won the Knick game?
Angry Guy : Who cares?
Sonny : Don't worry. He can't hold you down forever.
Angry Guy : What are you talking about?
Sonny : You know what I'm talking about.
Angry Guy : You're a loser.
Sonny : You're mad at your dad, not me. I forgive you.
Angry Guy : [walking away crying] I am. I hate my father.
Sonny : What's your name, he'll write it on the wall... mind your business!
Sonny : Everyone's so busy with their crap lately, no one ever comes.
Mr. Herlihy : Like I'm not busy?
Sonny : Hey Mr. Herlihy, how bout you shut up before i smack you threw the wall like last week?
Mr. Herlihy : Last Monday was a fluke. Bring it on woman. Oh... hah... hahahahahahaha
Sonny : He drinks alot of soda.
Mr. Herlihy : Koufax is a good egg, he was nice to that kid. But he fights like a girl. You like that? I'm right here Miss, what are you gonna do about it? Hahaha.
Sonny : What are you drunk Mr. Herlihy?
Mr. Herlihy : Well, I-I had a few chardonnays, what of it?
Sonny : Get off the stand please.
Mr. Herlihy : You got it. Got a few problems.
Sonny : I'm thinkin' about keepin' the kid.
Phil D'Amato : Sonny, remember that time you went with me to the pet store to get fish food and you saw that cute little puppy and you wanted to get it, but then I reminded you about feeding it and cleaning it and toilet-training it?
Sonny : Yeah...
Phil D'Amato : Well, this is kinda like that - except with a human!
Julian : [after finding out he has to be taken from Sonny by the social services] You don't want me here anymore?
Sonny : [close to tears] No, that's not it, pal. You just have to go away for awhile.
Julian : How long am I going away for?
Sonny : [trying not to cry] I don't want to lie to you. I don't think we'll be seeing each other anymore. I screwed up, I'm so sorry. Come here, put your coat on. This is not your fault, okay? I'm the idiot
Julian : I don't wanna go!
Sonny : I know you don't, but you have to. You'll be okay, alright?
Julian : [clings to Sonny] Please don't make me go. I won't play the Kangaroo Song anymore.
Sonny : I know buddy, that's not it.
Julian : [as the social worker is dragging him out of the apartment] Please, I promise! I'm sorry, I don't even like that song anymore! And I wipe my own ass! I wipe my own ass!
Sonny : I know!
Sonny : You can be scared that I might get pickpocketed in a bad neighborhood or break my legs skiing. But don't be scared about me being a dad, because I will not fail. I love this kid too much. I love him as much as you love me, Dad. I'm gonna give him advice and I'm gonna guide him and I'll be there whenever he needs me. I'll fly to New York to be at his court case even if I disagree with why he's there
Sonny : I know this is the right thing because I would die for this kid just so he won't feel one ounce of sadness. That's why you're here right now, to protect me, to be scared for me to be a good father. And that's exactly what I'm gonna be.
Sonny : [carrying a crying Julian out of McDonald's] Total mind blower. Will you just relax? Here.
[sets him down]
Sonny : What do you want me to do?
Julian : [crying]
Sonny : You're gonna meet Vanessa tonight. You'll like her.
Julian : [continues crying]
Sonny : You wanna see me get hurt? That'll cheer you up?
Julian : [nodding]
Sonny : All right.
[runs in front of a car and hits the hood, the horn blaring. He hits the ground]
Julian : [stops crying, wiping away his tears and begins to giggle]
Sonny : You think that's funny? Good. No more crying.
Car Driver : Are you okay?
Sonny : Next time, kill me.
[Music playing in the background]
Layla : This is Styx.
Sonny : Yeah.
Layla : They've been my favorite band since I was, like, twelve.
Sonny : You're kidding me?
Layla : No, no, I can't help it, I just love them. My friends make fun of me all the time.
Sonny : My friends make fun of me all the time, too. I've seen them, like, twenty-five times. Tommy Shaw, when I was, like, sixteen years old, I was at the concert, he actually reached out and grabbed my hand, pulled me up on stage, and I got to do the robot voice for Mr. Roboto!
[Sonny is dressed up as Scuba Sam]
Sonny : Hi, Julian! How ya doin'? I'm Scuba Sam, Scuba Steve's father. You see, my boy needs to take a bath, the only problem is he's afraid to bathe alone. So, I was wondering if you'd keep him company in the tub.Terrific, and after your bath, you need to try and study hard because if you want to be in the Scuba Squad, you have to be smart.
Julian : I can be in the Scuba Squad?
Sonny : Well sure! All you have to do is work hard and don't tell a soul about the Scuba Squad because then everybody's gonna wanna join! Oh, and one more thing! Be nice to the Delivery Guy, will ya? It's not his fault he can't read.
Sonny : That was your girlfriend. She's Hooterific again.
Sonny : Having a kid is great... as long as his eyes are closed and he's not moving or speaking.
Sonny : I had a mother lined up for him, but she's bangin' the Pepperidge Farm guy and the kid won't stop peeing and throwing up, he's like a cocker spaniel.
Sonny : Hey, the money I won in the cab accident is kicking ass in the stockmarket, so relax!
Sonny : Hey, stay away from the frozen food section, Corinne! Your boobs'll harden.
Sonny : Congratulations! You and "Big Boobs" McGee are gonna get along just fine.
Kevin : Don't call her "Big Boobs" McGee.
Sonny : You're going to explain to your kids that you met their mother while she was waitressing at Hooters?
Kevin : Sonny that was five years ago! She's a doctor now, and my fiance. So from now on, Dr. "Big Boobs" McGee.
Sonny : I'm working on a big case: I'm gonna sue you assholes for making me come down here.
Sonny : I got some interesting news?
Lenny : Oh yeah, what?
Sonny : I kind of adopted a kid
Lenny : What the hell are you talking about?
Sonny : I'm talking about you being a grandfather! Congratulations!
Lenny : Who the hell would give you a kid?
Sonny : Social Services.
Lenny : You idiot! You better give that kid back!
Sonny : His mother's... hang on, hang on.
Sonny : [shouts at Julian, from afar] Go play with them pigeons, buddy!
Sonny : I tried to give him back. I just, I just, I just can't, Dad. I need your help. I'm in a bad way right now, Vanessa dumped me, I don't know what the hell I'm doing!
Lenny : You're damn right you don't know what the hell you're doing!
Sonny : The kid is always around, especially for the last few days. You think he'd give me a little privacy but he just never leaves me alone, I'm in deep shit.
Lenny : Just give that kid back right now, before you ruin BOTH YOUR LIVES!
Sonny : Oh, I appreciate that Dad.
Lenny : He'd be better off living in a dumpster then living with you!
Sonny : WELL I'LL BE A BETTER FATHER THEN YOU!
Lenny : That's impossible, all you ever care about is yourself.
Sonny : I care about you saving money on this phone call.
[banging phone receiver several times before hanging up]
Sonny : [after Julien kills a bunch of pigeons with a sling shot] Let me have that. Go to your room... I guess. Or go do whatever you want.
Sonny : Man this Yoohoo is good, you know what else is good, smoking dope. I ain't gonna rat you out. You know, puffing the cheeba, go by the see saw smoke a j. You know what I'm talking about?
Jeff : I have a belly button.
Sonny : You have a belly button, well we all have belly buttons. You know what? We all love Yoohoo, especially Yoohoo with a little rum.
Jared : What's rum?
Sonny : You don't know what Rum is?
Jared : Rumplestilskin?
Sonny : Rumplestilskin's a good man. So are you guys. Hey, stay clean, stay focused, stay strong. Frankenstein, have fun with your friends.