Celebrity Deathmatch (1998–2007)
[each episode's closing line]
Johnny Gomez: Good fight, good night.
Johnny Gomez: What the?
Johnny Gomez: WHAT HAPPENED TO THE TAPE?
Nick Diamond: Oh shoot, I...
Johnny Gomez: Don't tell me! You have the only copy of this historic Beatles fight with all these new songs and you've recorded over its- Tell me it's not true!
Nick Diamond: What can I say, Johnny? I'm a JAG Maniac!
Johnny Gomez: You're a JAG Off!
[to the audience]
Johnny Gomez: Sorry folks. I'll make sure he pays for this. For Celebrity Deathmatch, I'm Johnny Gomez.
Nick Diamond: And I'm...
Johnny Gomez: [to Nick] A DEAD man!
[to the audience]
Johnny Gomez: Good fight, good night!
[Punching Nick 2 times, to Nick]
Johnny Gomez: You stupid, harmless-!
Anna Kournikova: [about opponent Elizabeth Hurley] Yes, I called her ugly, but I should have called her a pig! I should have called her a hideous, swirly moonie face! I hate her, I hate her! Aaaaaaaaaah!
Alfred Hitchcock: [to Steven Spielberg] Good evening, Steven. Welcome to Alfred Hitchcock Presents... your death.
[to Ernest Hemingway]
Mankind: You know what the difference between your book and mine is? MINE WEIGHS MORE.
[Clobbers Hemingway with his book]
Mills Lane: All right, young ladies, this is a fight to the death. Now death may not be something you two have thought about, so let me just explain...
Mary-Kate Olsen: [interrupting, to Ashley] I hate you!
Ashley Olsen: I hate you more!
Mary-Kate Olsen: You're stupid!
Ashley Olsen: You're stupider!
Mills Lane: [breaking up the girls' slapping match] Ladies, I haven't even started the fight yet!
Mary-Kate Olsen: She started it!
Ashley Olsen: No, she did!
Mills Lane: [giving up after they try and hit each other] On second thought... just go ahead and get it on!
Cher: [to Bette Midler] Hey, Midler! You got a wide load sign for that ass?
[Axl Rose pulls out a sharp object from under his kilt]
Johnny Gomez: Nick, what the hell is this psycho doing?
[Celtic music played in background]
Nick Diamond: Ancient Scottish soldiers wearing kilts such as Axl's always carried a dagger strapped to their ankle. Tradition has it that once a soldier removes it from its scabbard, he can't put it back without drawing blood... even if it's his own.
Johnny Gomez: It's scissors, Nick.
[Celtic music abruptly stops]
Nick Diamond: Oh... uh, that must be a different tradition.