Talking to Americans (2001 TV Special)
Rick Mercer, American: Oh, Canada / A great big empty land / We look to America / For a helping hand / With bannock bread / and caribou eggs / The True North big and cold Brrrr / Oh Canada / we are on top / We're close to / The North Pole / Fermez la bouche / Mangez poutine / Ca-Na-Da / A lovely winter dream / Oh Canada / La / La / Laaa! Hello Canada!
American: To Mel Lastman, mayor of Toronto, Canada. We the undersigned are strongly opposed to your plan to reinstate the Toronto Polar Bear Slaughter. We find this to be a naive and uneducated approach to a serious environmental concern.
American: I'm a Political Economy student here at Princeton, and I want to say congratulations to Prime Minister Tim Horton on getting his double-double.
American: Congratulations, Canada for allowing the Irish to vote.
American: Congratulations, Canada for allowing bilingual tours of Joe Clark's hole.
American: Congratulations, Canada on allowing dogs as house pets.
American: [after hearing Canada was getting a $5 coin, called the woody] Congratulations, Canada on getting your first woody.
American: America salutes Mulroney's brown-nose.
American: [after hearing Canada wasn't on a 24-hour clock] Canada, please move to the 24-hour clock.
American: Congratulations, Canada on getting a second area code.
Rick Mercer: The President of the United States has decided to send 600 ground troops into East Timor but if that doesn't do the trick, then he may be be forced to bomb the Mall in West Edmonton.
American: Bomb who?
Rick Mercer: The West Edmonton. He's going to bomb East Timor and West Edmonton. Do you support that?
American: Yes I do.
American: We demand that the Government of Canada discourage the Canadian tradition of placing senior citizens on Northern ice floes and leaving them to perish.
Rick Mercer: Excuse me, Governor Bush, question from Canada!
George W. Bush: Yeah, what about it?
Rick Mercer: The Prime Minister of Canada, Jean Poutine, said he would not endorse any leader in this race, but now he believes you should be the man to lead the Free World into the 21st Century. What do you think?
George W. Bush: Well, I'm honored. He knows I'm a strong supporter of Free Trade and strong relations with our neighbors, and I look forward to working with him.
American: Recognizing that the Wooly Mammoth Elephantis is being threatened by Labrador's unregulated urban sprawl, we respectfully request that the Canadian government label the mammoth elephantis an endangered species.
[the Mayor of Burlington, Jean Chretien, has declared Baywatch days]
David Hasselhoff: Thank you, Jean Chretien, for declaring Baywatch days.
[the Mayor of Burlington, Jean Chretien, has declared Springer days]
Jerry Springer: Thank you, Jean Chretien, for declaring Springer days this summer. And maybe you'll declare Summer days this spring.
[caption below says "Jerry Springer: Has Big TV Show, But Very Small Brain."]
American: Hi, I'm Governor Mike Huckabee of Arkansas, wanting to say congratulations Canada on preserving your National Igloo.
American: Congratulations, Canada, on legalizing the stapler!
American: Congratulations, Canada on becoming part of North America!
American: Congratulations, Jacques Poutine on becoming "president" of Canada.
American: Congratulations, Canada on changing to a 24 hour clock rather than a 20 hour one!