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Mean Machine (2001) Poster

(2001)

Quotes

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[Watching the monk practice karate]

Doc: Apparently he killed 23 men with his bare hands.

Danny Meehan: Maybe I should take up karate.

Doc: That was before he took up karate.

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[to Meehan]

Sykes: So my ass is on the line, and by my ass, I mean your ass.

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Hayter: I wouldn't get too close, Miss.

Tracey: Why? You're not dangerous, are you, Mr. Footballer?

Danny Meehan: Only if you've got the ball, Miss.

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Danny Meehan: I'll tell you something, I didn't start off out as a youngster looking to sell my country out.

Massive: None of us planned to be here, mate.

Chiv: But you're forgetting one thing. You're a hero in Scotland.

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Bob Likely: Good afternoon, I'm Bob Likely, and you've joined us live from the recreation field.

Bob Carter: Yes, I'm Bob Carter, and thanks once again to our esteemed governor...

[they cover their mikes]

Bob LikelyBob Carter: [whispering] Wanker.

Bob Carter: For providing our splendid facilities here, as part of his progressive rehabilitation campaign.

Bob Likely: And for our captive audience who are cooped up inside, here's a weather report. Bob?

Bob Carter: Well, it's a beautiful day, Bob.

Bob Likely: And what a day it is!

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Doc: Come on where's your manners Danny what would your old mum say?

Danny Meehan: [smiles] Fuck me!

Doc: Wish I met her.

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Massive: If you want any of life's little luxuries - chocolate, toothpaste, soft toilet paper - Massive is your man!

Danny Meehan: Massive?

Massive: It's ironic!

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Bob Carter: Just goes to show, Bob: lightning can strike twice.

Bob Likely: Absofuckinglutely, Bob!

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[after Billy volunteers for the demonstration, Chiv begins lecturing on dirty tricks in football]

Chiv: Numero uno: the accidental treading the toe. It's an obvious one, but it works.

[Monk stamps on Billy's foot]

Billy the Limpet: AH! Fuck...

Chiv: Numero... two. Right, Billy, run towards the Monk.

Billy the Limpet: What, now, eh?

Chiv: Off you go, half-pace.

[Billy trots toward Monk, who throws up an elbow that spears him in the face]

Chiv: The cunningly-titled "elbow in the face." Very, very effective, but you do tend to get sent off, so if you're gonna use it, make sure the ref's not looking. Number Four...

Billy the Limpet: Hold up, hold up! What happened to Number Three?

[Monk kicks him in the crotch]

Chiv: Number Four: when you're helping him up, grab the hairs under his armpits and twist 'em round.

[Billy yelps in pain]

Chiv: It hurts like a bastard, doesn't it?

Billy the Limpet: Yeah!

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[Danny drives a free kick straight into Ratchett's crotch]

Bob Likely: Ooh! Right in Ratchett's crown jewels.

Bob Carter: It's going to take more than Magic Sponge to take the sting out of that, Bob!

Ratchett: [bowing over slowly] Fuck... me!

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[standing at Doc's grave, after Doc was killed by a bomb]

Danny Meehan: I reckon you're quits now, old man.

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Doc: Look at me. Sweet old man, huh? Bit bumbly, fill of jail-block wisdom. Cornerstone of the jail, put him with the foundations, right? Right. I didn't get to be the oldest con for breaking windows. Villains spend their lives shitting themselves that other criminals are going to see to them. So they get their retaliation in first, and twice as nasty. A bloke was coming after me, so I, uh... I went around to his digs and lobbed a grenade through the window. Left o'er after the war, you know, army surplus? I didn't know, but he had his little baby, and his girl, in there with him. The house went up like a firecracker. No one came out. He'd barricaded the door with furniture in case I came around. By the time I got in, the screaming had stopped. Thirteen months old... learning to walk, apparently. Nothing I can do is ever going to make up for that, is it?

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[Danny drives a second free kick into Ratchett's crotch]

Bob Likely: Ooh! Right in his Carentan onions.

Bob Carter: No nooky for Mr. Ratchett.

Bob Likely: No nooky for Mrs. Ratchett neither.

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Sykes: Well get it sorted, 'cause this lad has a bad habit of turning cash flow problems into blood flow problems.

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Bob Likely: [commentating] And Trojan evades Maston brilliantly.

Bob Carter: If only he could have done that the night he got nicked.

[they laugh]

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Danny Meehan: Oh right lads, you wanna be nothing, prisoners... numbers... that's fine. But you win out there today and you'll have something to remember forever, talk about it over and over, because up and down the country there are cons that are pig sick of not being here in your shoes... just to have one crack at those bastards next door!

Danny Meehan: Run your guts out, and you'll have somethin' in 'ere

[points towards heart]

Danny Meehan: they can never touch, guards and nutcase governors... NOW... ask yourselves one question... ARE YOU READY?

[Team replies light-heartedly]

Danny Meehan: ...YEAH! ARE WE?

[Team replies Whole heartedly]

Danny Meehan: ...YEAH! THEN COME ON!

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[after Ketch quite deliberately trods on Ratchett's knee]

Danny Meehan: Right, Ketch, just be subtle.

Ketch: Which one's he, then?

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[as the team starts to rise]

Danny Meehan: Hold up for Mr. Sykes.

[they resume their seats]

Sykes: Doc... was a different generation. And he saved all his life. And before he died, he had me sort out these.

[He places a box on the floor, tears it open, and lifts out a black "Mean Machine" uniform jersey. The team cheers]

Sykes: COME AND GET 'EM!

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[In his role as the team's "owner," Sykes is sitting on the team bench, smoking a cigar]

Massive: Boy, Mr. Sykes, you look the part. All you need now is a...

[He trails off as a man drapes a sheepskin coat over Sykes' shoulders]

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