Penn & Teller: Bullshit! (2003–2010)
Penn Jillette: [on the subject of 3 minute speed dating] It's hard to sell yourself in 3 minutes. These guys aren't professional talkers. What this task needs is CARNIE TRASH, who can turn the tip with some hurry up! Now Teller could never do it himself, but he got himself a talker a long time ago. He doesn't even need to speak anymore. I do all his talking for him. I've had a little practice. I'll give you a Teller pitch in less THAN HALF the allotted time, & leave a little time for long loving looks in her eyes
Penn Jillette: Howdy ma'am! Let me introduce you to Teller, of Penn and Teller. Perhaps you've seen him on SNL, Letterman, Leno, or his own mega hit, Bullshit, on Showtime. His show Penn and Teller Live at the beautiful Rio All-Suites Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas, NV. Are you going to settle to settle down? I don't think you should ma'am. You need to shoot for the top. Teller's smart, funny, successful, quiet. Born in Center City, Philly. Right near the museum. He was born near culture, he lives culture, loves culture, and just plain loves. He loves his parents, and why wouldn't he? Joe and Irene, real artists. Teller has the fine arts in his genes and the jingle in his blue jeans from the show he wrote, directed, produced and stars in called "Penn and Teller." He added my name to the title just out of kindness. He's that kind of loving guy. Teller's show has toured the world many times over and done two smash Broadway runs in New York City. But now, Penn and Teller at the Rio All-Suites Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas, NV. Imagine the fun of having all your friends call now for tickets. Teller's a little bit taller than the average five foot nine inch male. He's quite a snappy dresser. You know the lining of his jacket matches the color of his socks, & that's damn metrosexual, if you ask me. He loves all sports, all hobbies, all activities, and he can cook. You'll want to stay around for the morning after the first date to have butternut pancakes and his homemade turkey apple sausage for breakfast. Yum yum yum. Make your life with the star of Penn and Teller at the fabulous Rio All-suites Hotel and Casino in fabulous Las Vegas, NV where he is the fabulous heir apparent to Elvis. Only better because he can do magic and he won't be found fat and dead surrounded, by his own vomit. His name is easy to say, easy to spell. Teller. Act now and as a special offer, the first one hundred respondents, you'll get me!
Penn Jillette: now tell us all about you!
Penn Jillette: [on the subject of talking to the dead] One of the weird things Houdini discovered is that some of these mediums actually slip into believing their own bullshit. They forget their own misses, or as John Edward, THE BIGGEST DOUCHE IN THE UNIVERSE, does, rewrite them as hits that we're just not able to recognize. Cold reading can be done accidently. That doesn't mean the psychic is a better person. Lying to themselves does not make lying to others ok. It can make intellectually lazy scumbags more convincing and dangerous. But even if these fucks know they're just making shit up and pushing people's buttons, they tell themselves, "At least I'm comforting the bereaved." WHO THE FUCK ARE THEY TO DECIDE THAT LYING ABOUT THE UNIVERSE AND A DEAD LOVED ONE IS WHAT THE BEREAVED NEEDS? That's condescending BULLSHIT!
[repeated line from "Bible: Fact or Fiction" episode]
Penn Jillette: Elvis didn't do no drugs!
Penn Jillette: [Penn's introduction to someone that doesn't agree with Penn & Teller's views on the show's subject] And then there's *this* asshole...
Penn Jillette: Life coaches are like hookers, which is good, except you're renting their ears instead of their genital and you never get to come!
[on the subject of decoding Nostradamus' writings]
John Hogue: Quatrain 97 of century vol 6 reads, "At 45 degrees latitude, the sky will burn. Fire approaches the great city." At latitude 45 degrees the only new city since Nostradamus' time that you could call great and new and vast is the city that rests between 40 degrees and 41 degrees degree latitude, which is Manhattan and New York. Now... That's a little off.
James Randi: He's way off in Canada some place.
Penn Jillette: [after seeing a man holding a Small book known to AA members as "The Big Book"] IF THAT'S A BIG BOOK, HE MUST BE A FUCKIN' GIANT! RUN!
Penn Jillette: [on the subject of bottled water] Consumers are offered water with names conveying pure and pristine water sources. Ever hear of Alaskan Falls water? That must come from the crystal-clear glacial waters of our 49th state, right? Sorry, folks. Alaskan flows from this liqui-box corporation building in Worthington, Ohio. Does the brand Yosemite conjure up visions of the cool, prestine waters rushing through California's high sierras? Well, then the marketers have done their jobs. The source of Yosemite bottled water is actually 400 miles away in Northwest Los Angeles. How about Everest Water? Could our piddly show possibly afford to send a camera crew to Nepal? NOT NECESSARY! Everest comes from the industrial section of Corpus Cristi, Texas! In fact if you read the fine print on the FUCKING LABEL, they even admit that the water comes from a MUNICIPAL SOURCE! THAT IS TAP WATER, BROTHERS AND SISTERS OF THE CULT OF THE BOTTLE!
Penn Jillette: [Penn explains why there is so much vulgarity on the show] You'll notice more obscentity than we usually use. That's not just because it's on Showtime, and we want to get some attention. It's also a legal matter. If one calls people liars and quacks, one can be sued and lose a lot of one's money. But "motherfuckers" and "assholes" is pretty safe. If we said it was all scams, we could also be in trouble. But BULLSHIT, oddly, is safe.So forgive all the bullshit language. We're trying to talk about the truth without spending the rest of our lives in court because of litigious motherfuckers!
Penn Jillette: Sure, we lie, cheat, and swindle. We've been known to deal in a bit of bullshit ourselves. So some of you may ask, "Why pee on someone else's parade?" One important difference: WE TELL YOU WE'RE LYING!
Teller: [after Penn puts a branding iron to Teller's butt] OHHHHHHH MOTHER FUCKER!
Penn Jillette: Hey cool Dave! He can talk!
Penn Jillette: On one side there are people with relationships, and miserable. On the other side there are people out of relationships, and miserable. What's the deal? Don't they know that love is a roller coaster? You sit, you hold hands, you scream, then you get off and ride again!
Penn Jillette: Sure, we're smug, self-righteous, pompous and self-important assholes, but damn it, we're right!
[in the introduction of each episode]
Penn Jillette: I'm Penn and this is my partner, Teller.