It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005– )
Danny DeVito: Frank Reynolds
College Student : [dissecting poop] Whoever it was seems to have been eating newspaper.
Dennis Reynolds : All right, well, now we're gettin' somewhere. Which one of you idiots was eating a goddamn newspaper?
Charlie Kelly : It's gonna go both ways, dude. Sorry.
Dennis Reynolds : Really?
Charlie Kelly : Yeah. What else? What else?
College Student : This appears to be a piece of a credit card.
Frank Reynolds : Inconclusive.
Dennis Reynolds : How is that not specific to one of you?
Charlie Kelly : I wish it was, man, but that's inconclusive.
College Student : Oh, boy, there's a good deal of blood in this stool. Whoever's it is should see a doctor.
Charlie Kelly : Well, don't give us judgements; just tell us what's in there. What's in there, what else?
College Student : Is this wolf hair?
Frank Reynolds : Also inconclusive.
Dennis Reynolds : Jesus Christ!
Frank Reynolds : I'm the Trash Man! I come out, I throw trash all over the- all over the ring! And then I start eatin' garbage! And then I pick up the trash can, and I bash the guy on the head.
Frank Reynolds : [singing] You got to pay the troll toll if you want to get into this boy's hole!
Charlie Kelly : Hooooly shit! Is that the ocean?
Dennis Reynolds : Yeah, buddy, that's the ocean.
Charlie Kelly : What's on the other side of it there?
Frank Reynolds : Europe.
Charlie Kelly : Now, how long would it take...
Dennis Reynolds : Do not try and swim to Europe.
Charlie Kelly : *Don't* swim to Europe...
Frank Reynolds : Do not.
Frank Reynolds : [introducing himself to a group of parents who have gathered at Paddy's Pub to enter their children in a pageant] I know some of you may have heard about that other guy... I am not gonna diddle your kids. I'm not like that; that's not my thing. I met that guy in a titty bar!
[preparing for a child's beauty pageant]
Mort : Frank. Frank. I need some water. My mouth is dry.
Frank Reynolds : Your mouth is dry. Go into the toilet and run your mouth under the sink.
[Mac and Charlie raise their hands]
Dennis Reynolds : Okay...
Charlie Kelly : Yeah, can I? Could I? Can I?
Dee Reynolds : [raises hand] I have a...
Charlie Kelly : Who's that?
Frank Reynolds : He's the mortician. I invited him.