It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005– )
Charlie Day: Charlie Kelly
Charlie Kelly : Ohhhh shit! Look at that door, dude. See that door there? The one marked "Pirate"? You think a pirate lives in there?
Dennis Reynolds : How much cheese have you eaten today?
Charlie Kelly : How much cheese is too much cheese?
Dennis Reynolds : Any amount of cheese before a date is too much cheese!
Charlie Kelly : I had a lot of cheese, I had a block of cheese.
Mac : You had a block of cheese?
Charlie Kelly : I got really, really nervous I just started eating cheese.
Mac : [annoyed and confused] Does that calm you down?
Dennis Reynolds : Let's talk about your likes and dislikes. Um, how 'bout your favorite food? What would that be?
Charlie Kelly : Oh, milk steak.
Dennis Reynolds : Hm, what?
Charlie Kelly : Milk steak.
Dennis Reynolds : I'm not putting milk steak!
Mac : Just put steak. Just put regular steak.
Dennis Reynolds : I'm gonna put steak.
Charlie Kelly : Don't put steak, put milk steak. She'll know what it is.
Dennis Reynolds : No, she won't know what it is, Charlie. Nobody knows what that is. Okay, all right. What's your favorite hobby?
Charlie Kelly : Uh, magnets.
Dennis Reynolds : Okay, wha- like making magnets, collecting magnets?
Mac : Playing with magnets?
Charlie Kelly : Just magnets.
Dennis Reynolds : I'm gonna put snowboarding. We'll put snowboarding. All right, what are some of your likes?
Charlie Kelly : Uh, ghouls.
Mac : Son of a bitch. What are you talking about now?
Charlie Kelly : You know, funny little green ghouls.
Dennis Reynolds : What, like in movies? In cartoons?
Charlie Kelly : Little green ghouls, buddy!
Mac : Don't write ghouls!
Dennis Reynolds : I'm not, I'm putting travel! Jesus Christ! What are your dislikes?
Charlie Kelly : People's knees.
Dennis Reynolds : Oh, come on! Dude, come on! We'll make the whole thing up, let's get outta here. We're not even gonna use you.
Mac : Bro, you've gotta be kidding. You know what? We'll just make it all up.
Charlie Kelly : Cover your knees up if you're gonna be walking around everywhere...
College Student : [dissecting poop] Whoever it was seems to have been eating newspaper.
Dennis Reynolds : All right, well, now we're gettin' somewhere. Which one of you idiots was eating a goddamn newspaper?
Charlie Kelly : It's gonna go both ways, dude. Sorry.
Dennis Reynolds : Really?
Charlie Kelly : Yeah. What else? What else?
College Student : This appears to be a piece of a credit card.
Frank Reynolds : Inconclusive.
Dennis Reynolds : How is that not specific to one of you?
Charlie Kelly : I wish it was, man, but that's inconclusive.
College Student : Oh, boy, there's a good deal of blood in this stool. Whoever's it is should see a doctor.
Charlie Kelly : Well, don't give us judgements; just tell us what's in there. What's in there, what else?
College Student : Is this wolf hair?
Frank Reynolds : Also inconclusive.
Dennis Reynolds : Jesus Christ!
Charlie Kelly : What are you gonna do, hit him? No, that's a terrible idea, I'll tell you why: it doesn't unbang your mom.
Charlie Kelly : Uh, later dudes. S you in your A's. Don't wear a C and J all over your B's.
Charlie Kelly : GOOD MORNING, JUAREZ FAMILY!
Charlie Kelly : So, we got ourselves a little Mexican girl here and I'm thinking, well, what does a little Mexican girl love more than anything else in the world?
Dennis Reynolds : Mmm, tacos.
Charlie Kelly : Tacos, buddy! So, why not make for her a taco bed? You know what I mean?
Dennis Reynolds : Okay!
Charlie Kelly : She gets to, like, be in a taco every day. So, okay, I got yellow sheets. That's cheese. Green, guacamole. A red little pillow for salsa. And I got these cute little brown pjs so that she gets to feel like ground meat while she's sleeping.
Dennis Reynolds : Ah, she's the ground meat in the middle.
Charlie Kelly : She's the ground meat in the middle!
Charlie Kelly : Hooooly shit! Is that the ocean?
Dennis Reynolds : Yeah, buddy, that's the ocean.
Charlie Kelly : What's on the other side of it there?
Frank Reynolds : Europe.
Charlie Kelly : Now, how long would it take...
Dennis Reynolds : Do not try and swim to Europe.
Charlie Kelly : *Don't* swim to Europe...
Frank Reynolds : Do not.
Charlie Kelly : Cat in the wall, eh? Okay, now you're talkin' my language! I know that game.
[preparing for a child's beauty pageant]
Mort : Frank. Frank. I need some water. My mouth is dry.
Frank Reynolds : Your mouth is dry. Go into the toilet and run your mouth under the sink.
[Mac and Charlie raise their hands]
Dennis Reynolds : Okay...
Charlie Kelly : Yeah, can I? Could I? Can I?
Dee Reynolds : [raises hand] I have a...
Charlie Kelly : Who's that?
Frank Reynolds : He's the mortician. I invited him.