It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005– )
Charlie Kelly: Ohhhh shit! Look at that door, dude. See that door there? The one marked "Pirate"? You think a pirate lives in there?
Dennis Reynolds: How much cheese have you eaten today?
Charlie Kelly: How much cheese is too much cheese?
Dennis Reynolds: Any amount of cheese before a date is too much cheese!
Charlie Kelly: I had a lot of cheese, I had a block of cheese.
Mac: You had a block of cheese?
Charlie Kelly: I got really, really nervous I just started eating cheese.
Mac: [annoyed and confused] Does that calm you down?
Mac: What do we need a mattress for?
Dennis Reynolds: What do you mean what do we need a mattress for? Why in the hell do you think we just spent all that money on a boat? The whole purpose of buying the boat in the first place was to get the ladies nice and tipsy topside so we can take 'em to a nice comfortable place below deck and, you know, they can't refuse, because of the implication.
Mac: Oh, uh... okay. You had me going there for the first part. The second half kinda threw me.
Dennis Reynolds: Well, dude, dude, think about it. She's out in the middle of nowhere with some dude she barely knows. You know, she looks around and what does she see? Nothin' but open ocean. "Ahh, there's nowhere for me to run! What am I gonna do, say no?"
Mac: Okay. That... that seems really dark.
Dennis Reynolds: Nah, no, it's not dark. You're misunderstanding me, bro.
Mac: I'm-I think I am.
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, you are, because if the girl said no then the answer obviously is no...
Mac: No. Right.
Dennis Reynolds: But the thing is she's not gonna say no; she would never say no because of the implication.
Mac: ...Now, you've said that word "implication" a couple of times. Wha-what implication?
Dennis Reynolds: The implication that things might go wrong for her if she refuses to sleep with me. Now, not that things are gonna go wrong for her, but she's thinkin' that they will.
Mac: But it sounds like she doesn't wanna have sex with you...
Dennis Reynolds: Why aren't you understanding this? She-she doesn't know if she wants to have sex with me! That's not the issue...
Mac: Are you gonna hurt women?
Dennis Reynolds: I'm not gonna hurt these women! Why would I ever hurt these women? I feel like you're not getting this at all!
Mac: I'm not getting it.
Dennis Reynolds: Goddamn.
[notices old woman staring at them]
Dennis Reynolds: Well, don't you look at me like that. You certainly wouldn't be in any danger.
Mac: So they are in danger!
Dennis Reynolds: No one's in any danger!
Dennis Reynolds: Let's talk about your likes and dislikes. Um, how 'bout your favorite food? What would that be?
Charlie Kelly: Oh, milk steak.
Dennis Reynolds: Hm, what?
Charlie Kelly: Milk steak.
Dennis Reynolds: I'm not putting milk steak!
Mac: Just put steak. Just put regular steak.
Dennis Reynolds: I'm gonna put steak.
Charlie Kelly: Don't put steak, put milk steak. She'll know what it is.
Dennis Reynolds: No, she won't know what it is, Charlie. Nobody knows what that is. Okay, all right. What's your favorite hobby?
Charlie Kelly: Uh, magnets.
Dennis Reynolds: Okay, wha- like making magnets, collecting magnets?
Mac: Playing with magnets?
Charlie Kelly: Just magnets.
Dennis Reynolds: I'm gonna put snowboarding. We'll put snowboarding. All right, what are some of your likes?
Charlie Kelly: Uh, ghouls.
Mac: Son of a bitch. What are you talking about now?
Charlie Kelly: You know, funny little green ghouls.
Dennis Reynolds: What, like in movies? In cartoons?
Charlie Kelly: Little green ghouls, buddy!
Mac: Don't write ghouls!
Dennis Reynolds: I'm not, I'm putting travel! Jesus Christ! What are your dislikes?
Charlie Kelly: People's knees.
Dennis Reynolds: Oh, come on! Dude, come on! We'll make the whole thing up, let's get outta here. We're not even gonna use you.
Mac: Bro, you've gotta be kidding. You know what? We'll just make it all up.
Charlie Kelly: Cover your knees up if you're gonna be walking around everywhere...
Mac: I have an idea.
Frank Reynolds: [turns in fear] Where did you come from?
Mac: Frank, I've been walking next to you this entire time.
Donna: You're thirty-three years old, you're supposed to be sexually active! You're not supposed to be fondling your uncle under the table!
College Student: [dissecting poop] Whoever it was seems to have been eating newspaper.
Dennis Reynolds: All right, well, now we're gettin' somewhere. Which one of you idiots was eating a goddamn newspaper?
Charlie Kelly: It's gonna go both ways, dude. Sorry.
Dennis Reynolds: Really?
Charlie Kelly: Yeah. What else? What else?
College Student: This appears to be a piece of a credit card.
Frank Reynolds: Inconclusive.
Dennis Reynolds: How is that not specific to one of you?
Charlie Kelly: I wish it was, man, but that's inconclusive.
College Student: Oh, boy, there's a good deal of blood in this stool. Whoever's it is should see a doctor.
Charlie Kelly: Well, don't give us judgements; just tell us what's in there. What's in there, what else?
College Student: Is this wolf hair?
Frank Reynolds: Also inconclusive.
Dennis Reynolds: Jesus Christ!
Charlie Kelly: What are you gonna do, hit him? No, that's a terrible idea, I'll tell you why: it doesn't unbang your mom.
Dennis Reynolds: Charlie can't read.
Frank Reynolds: He'll adapt.
Dennis Reynolds: He'll adapt to reading?
Charlie Kelly: Uh, later dudes. S you in your A's. Don't wear a C and J all over your B's.
Jackie: What is it that you do again?
Charlie Kelly: I'm like a janitor at- um, I'm a... full-on rapist, you know? Uh, Africans, dyslexics, children, that sorta thing.
Frank Reynolds: I'm the Trash Man! I come out, I throw trash all over the- all over the ring! And then I start eatin' garbage! And then I pick up the trash can, and I bash the guy on the head.
Charlie Kelly: But I am who I am.
Mac: Yeah, but let's pretend you aren't who you are and just try to attract a woman.
Frank Reynolds: [singing] You got to pay the troll toll if you want to get into this boy's hole!
Mac: I think you should bang Gail the Snail.
Frank Reynolds: My neice?
Frank Reynolds: Gail the Snail?
Mac: Dude, what's more depraved than that, huh? She's not blood related so it's not that weird.
Charlie Kelly: When was the last time we played Night Crawlers together, Frank?
Dennis Reynolds: Uhh. What's-what's that?
Charlie Kelly: Well, it's... not about you. Why don't you just write it down?
Charlie Kelly: So, we got ourselves a little Mexican girl here and I'm thinking, well, what does a little Mexican girl love more than anything else in the world?
Dennis Reynolds: Mmm, tacos.
Charlie Kelly: Tacos, buddy! So, why not make for her a taco bed? You know what I mean?
Dennis Reynolds: Okay!
Charlie Kelly: She gets to, like, be in a taco every day. So, okay, I got yellow sheets. That's cheese. Green, guacamole. A red little pillow for salsa. And I got these cute little brown pjs so that she gets to feel like ground meat while she's sleeping.
Dennis Reynolds: Ah, she's the ground meat in the middle.
Charlie Kelly: She's the ground meat in the middle!
Frank Reynolds: We gotta definitely write a song about how we do not diddle kids! "Do not diddle kids, it's no good diddling kids."
Mac: There is no quicker way for people to think that you are diddling kids than by writing a song about it!
Mac: [about M. Night Shyamalan] He always puts some like awesome twist at the end of his movies to trick the audience.
Charlie Kelly: Aw yeah, yeah, like in The Sixth Sense you find out that the dude in that hair piece the whole time, that's Bruce Willis the whole movie.
Charlie Kelly: You did your best, no hard feelings! I'm going to grab some of this literature on my way out too.
Dennis Reynolds: She didn't do that great of a job.
Charlie Kelly: I mean, don't beat her while she's down, man.
Gladys: What's happening?
Dennis Reynolds: What's happening, Gladys, is we're at the fair and you're gonna act like my grandma, okay?
Gladys: My grandmother had an affair with Susan B. Anthony.
Dennis Reynolds: I-I don't give a shit.
Mac: Jesus Christ, Frank. Are you cutting your toenails with a steak knife?
Charlie Kelly: I suppose you have a problem with that, too?
Frank Reynolds: Ah! Oh! Oh! Botched toe! I botched that one. Oh, that's a botch job. That's bleeding. I need some trash to plug up the cut.
Charlie Kelly: Hooooly shit! Is that the ocean?
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, buddy, that's the ocean.
Charlie Kelly: What's on the other side of it there?
Frank Reynolds: Europe.
Charlie Kelly: Now, how long would it take...
Dennis Reynolds: Do not try and swim to Europe.
Charlie Kelly: *Don't* swim to Europe...
Frank Reynolds: Do not.
Dennis Reynolds: Whoa, what's with the spray paint, man?
Charlie Kelly: Uhh, what's with your outfit, man?
Charlie Kelly: Cat in the wall, eh? Okay, now you're talkin' my language! I know that game.
Mac: [to Frank] God, you're disgusting. A disgusting animal.
Dee Reynolds: Your life is way more glamorous than what I was picturing.
Roxy: Yeh, yeh. Now, help me dig these crack rocks outta my ass.
Dennis Reynolds: [picking basketball teams] All righty. Uh... You, you, you, you, and you. Come over here.
[all the black kids go to Dennis]
Dennis Reynolds: All right. Now, the rest of you kids can go with those two losers right there.
Mac: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What the hell's going on over here?
Dennis Reynolds: I'm picking my team.
Dee Reynolds: No. No, you-you can't- you can't take all...
Dennis Reynolds: I can't pick the...?
Dee Reynolds: You can't pick all...
Dennis Reynolds: What should I not pick?
Mac: You know exactly what you've done, sir.
Frank Reynolds: [introducing himself to a group of parents who have gathered at Paddy's Pub to enter their children in a pageant] I know some of you may have heard about that other guy... I am not gonna diddle your kids. I'm not like that; that's not my thing. I met that guy in a titty bar!
[preparing for a child's beauty pageant]
Mort: Frank. Frank. I need some water. My mouth is dry.
Frank Reynolds: Your mouth is dry. Go into the toilet and run your mouth under the sink.
[Mac and Charlie raise their hands]
Dennis Reynolds: Okay...
Charlie Kelly: Yeah, can I? Could I? Can I?
Dee Reynolds: [raises hand] I have a...
Charlie Kelly: Who's that?
Frank Reynolds: He's the mortician. I invited him.