Unaccompanied Minors (2006) Poster

Lewis Black: Oliver Porter



  • Oliver Porter : Who trained you kids? The Navy SEALs?

    Spencer Davenport : Look, sir, just... Divorce kids are more resourceful than others, that's all.

  • Donna Malone : Hey. Watch it, Dr. Evil.

    Oliver Porter : Oh no, did I offend you? Well I don't know what else to call someone who commits grand theft auto, reckless driving and destruction of property all in the course of 10 minutes.

    Donna Malone : Someone cooler than you'll ever be.

    Oliver Porter : Oh! O-o-o-o-oh! Woo! That's fantastic! I didn't know we had Ellen DeGeneres in the house.

  • Oliver Porter : And then, the Abominable Snowman who transforms the Emergency Equipment Center into his own private amusement park and then blames it on Aquaman? Aren't you a little old be to playing with dolls? I mean, what are you, like 40?

    Zach Van Bourke : Uh, actually, Beef's 12, sir.

    Oliver Porter : Good Lord.

  • Grace Conrad : Where are my friends?

    Spencer Davenport : Oh, man. Where's my sister?

    Oliver Porter : They went where all the good little boys and girls go for Christmas. They went somewhere nice. Where, you ask? Why, the comfortable and festive Hoover International Lodge. Which is just a few thousand yards down from this delightful little room. Which now smells like a horse died in it.

    Charlie Goldfinch : Oh, so we're going to the Lodge?

    Oliver Porter : Uh, I think I have an answer to your question. Are you out of your juice-drinking little minds? Have you looked outside lately? The roads are blocked because there is a little thing called a blizzard going on. That's when the sky opens up and lots of snow falls and makes it hard for people to do things. Like fly to Hawaii, for instance.

    Grace Conrad : Who's going to Hawaii?

    Oliver Porter : Not me. Not anymore.

  • Oliver Porter : I was just doing my job. You know that, don't you? I was just doing my job, just like I have for the last 15 Christmases.

    Spencer Davenport : Your family must hate that.

    Oliver Porter : Well that's not really a problem since my wife divorced me 5 Christmases ago.

    Spencer Davenport : Is that why you don't put up the decorations?

    Oliver Porter : Let's just say they don't remind me of happy times.

  • Oliver Porter : [chasing the kids downhill in a kayak]  Please tell me you're gonna stop at the hotel.

    Spencer Davenport : Yeah, we are, but you're not!

See also

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