Michael Scott: I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.
Michael Scott: Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked, but it's not like this compulsive need to be liked, like my need to be praised.
Ryan Howard: [talking about Michael hitting Meredith with his car] Did this happen on company property?
Michael Scott: Yes. It was on company property with company property, so double jeopardy. We are fine.
Ryan Howard: I don't think you understand how jeopardy works.
Michael Scott: Oh, right. I'm sorry. What is "We're fine"?
Michael Scott: Meredith was hit by a car. It happened this morning in the parking lot. I took her to the hospital and the doctors tried to save her life. They did the best that they could...
Michael Scott: And she is going to be okay.
Stanley Hudson: What is wrong with you? Why did you have to phrase it like that?
Kevin: Oh, well, if they aren't together now, then they probably never will be. I thought they'd be good together, like PB and J. Pam Beasley and Jim. What a waste. What a waste.
[as the office visits Meredith in the hospital]
Meredith Palmer: They have me on a lot of painkillers.
Creed Bratton: Oh, really? What kind? Codeine? Vicodin? Percocet? Fentanyl? Oxycontin? Palladone? What?
Meredith Palmer: I have no idea.
[Creed scoffs; the rest of the office looks shocked]
Michael Scott: [discussing rides to visit Meredith] All right, since I am the boss I will drive as well. Who wants shotgun?
Stanley Hudson: You can't be serious. You ran a woman over this morning.
Michael Scott: Everyone inside the car was *fine*, Stanley!
Dwight Schrute: [about Angela's cat, Sprinkles] Well, you left the TV on... and your cat is dead.
Pam Beesly: [answering the phone] Michael Scott's Dunder-Mifflin Scranton Meredith Palmer Memorial Celebrity Rabies Awareness Fun Run Race For The Cure, this is Pam.
Michael Scott: [whispering] Pro-Am.
Pam Beesly: Pro-Am Race For Th- they hung up.
[visiting Meredith in the hospital]
Michael Scott: She looks like an angel.
Kelly Kapoor: She looks awful.
Michael Scott: No- okay, she always looks like that.
Dwight Schrute: [trying to comfort Angela] Hey, come on, don't be sad. Just... Okay? Just... She's in a better place.
Angela Martin: [sobbing] All right.
Dwight Schrute: Actually, the place that she's in is the freezer because of the odor.
Pam Beesly: [trying to sound inspirational] I know you, Michael. I saw you naked.
Michael Scott: [still very depressed] You don't... You don't know me. You've just seen my penis.
Jim Halpert: One day, Michael came in complaining about a speed bump on the highway. I wonder who he ran over then.
Michael Scott: Man, what a day, huh? How could it get any worse? The computer crashes with the porn, and then Meredith with the accident and then... Prinkles! God... That's three things. I'll tell you what's going on. This office is cursed. And we need to do something about it.
Michael Scott: Finishing that 5K was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I ate more fettuccini Alfredo and drank less water than I have in my entire life. People always talk about triumphs of the human spirit. Well, today, I had a triumph of the human body. That's why everybody was applauding for me at the end, my guts and my heart. And while I eventually puked my guts out, I never puked my heart out. I'm very, very proud of that.
Michael Scott: [eating cereal] Jan made me breakfast this morning. Well, she bought the milk.
Michael Scott: [in confessional] Well, I am taking responsibility, and it is up to me to get rid of the curse that hit Meredith with my car.
Dwight Schrute: Cats do not provide milk or wool or meat.
Dwight Schrute: Hey... Why did you do it?
Michael Scott: It was an *accident*.
Dwight Schrute: Was she talking back?
Michael Scott: No.
Dwight Schrute: Just got sick of that face? Did she owe you money? Uh-oh... is this downsizing? Did she spurn your advances?
[Michael turns and glares at Dwight]
Dwight Schrute: Her chart doesn't indicate that she had a hysterectomy. But she did, or at least she got time off for one.
Intern: Ah. So that is where her uterus went.
Andy Bernard: I'm petrified of nipple chafing. Once it starts, it's a vicious circle. You have sensitive nipples, they chafe. So they become more sensitive, so they chafe more. So I take precautions.
Jan Levinson: So, I heard that you were peeping on Michael.
Pam Beesly: What? No, it was not...
Jan Levinson: Look, I don't know what your deal is, but he's mine, ok? So hands off.
Michael Scott: So, Ryan got promoted to corporate where he is a little fish in a big pond. Whereas, back here in Scranton, I am still top dog in a fairly large pond. So, who is the real boss, the dog or a fish?
Pam Beesly: [after Pam accidentally enters Michael's office while he's changing clothes] On average, how many hours a day do you spend naked in your office? Just ballpark?
Michael Scott: European offices are naked all the time.
Pam Beesly: They're so not.
Michael Scott: Besides, my shirt tail covered most of it, so...
Pam Beesly: I didn't see where it started but I saw where it ended.
Jim Halpert: Gross.
Michael Scott: That's not gross, it's the human body, what is your problem? Pam, you're an artist right? Think of me as one of your models.
Michael Scott: Guess what? I have flaws, what are they? Oh I don't know, I sing in the shower, sometimes I spend too much time volunteering, ocasionally I'll hit somebody with my car, so sue me. No, don't... sue me, that's the opposite of the point that I'm trying to make.
[during a talking head]
Kevin: Are you kidding me? Pam and Jim are totally hooking up. All they do is smile. They're just keeping it a secret.
[to Oscar, who's sitting next to him]
Oscar Martinez: I don't know. There is no evidence of intimacy. They've been in remarkably good moods. Could be other things.
Kevin: [incredulous] Are you KIDDING me?