Bridesmaids (I) (2011)
Kristen Wiig: Annie
Annie : [after Helen insists the flight attendant allow Annie to use her first class seat] Help me I'm poor.
13-Year-Old Girl in Jewelry Store : You're weird.
Annie : I'm not weird. OK?
13-Year-Old Girl in Jewelry Store : Yes, you are.
Annie : No, I'm not! And you started it.
13-Year-Old Girl in Jewelry Store : No, you started it! Did you forget to take your Xanax this morning?
Annie : Oh, I feel bad for your parents.
13-Year-Old Girl in Jewelry Store : I feel bad for your face.
Annie : OK... well, call me when your boobs come in.
13-Year-Old Girl in Jewelry Store : You call me when yours come in.
Annie : What do you have, four boyfriends?
13-Year-Old Girl in Jewelry Store : Exactly.
Annie : OK... yeah, have fun having a baby at your prom.
13-Year-Old Girl in Jewelry Store : You look like an old mop.
Annie : You know, you're not as popular as you think you are.
13-Year-Old Girl in Jewelry Store : I am very popular.
Annie : [sticks tongue in cheek and mimics fellatio] Oh, I'm sure you are... very... popular.
13-Year-Old Girl in Jewelry Store : Well, you're an old, single loser who's never going to have any friends.
Annie : You're a little cunt!
Annie : Whatever you say 'Stove'.
Flight Attendant Steve : It's Steve.
Annie : 'Stove' what kind of a name is that?
Flight Attendant Steve : That's not a name. My name is Steve.
Annie : Are you an appliance?
Flight Attendant Steve : No I am a man, and my name is Steve.
Annie : You're a flight attendant.
Flight Attendant Steve : That is, absolutely accurate. You can close that.
Lillian : You remember my cousin, Rita.
Annie : Rita!
Rita : [hugs Annie] Annie, I haven't seen you since you graduated high school.
Lillian : She has three kids now.
Rita : Three boys.
Lillian : They're so cute.
Rita : They are cute, but when they reach that age, ugh. Disgusting. They smell, they're sticky, they say things that are horrible, and there is semen all over everything. Disgusting. I cracked a BLANKET in half. Do you get where I'm going with this?
Annie : I do, yeah.
Rita : [gesturing] I cracked it in half!
Annie : You're really doing it, aren't ya? You're shitting in the street!
Annie : Are you fucking kidding me?
Annie's Mom : Annie?
Annie : No, mom. Mother fucking Paris? I told you about Paris, Helen! I told you about this whole idea!
Lillian : Annie, calm down...
Annie : No, Lillian! What are you gonna go, you're gonna go to Paris with Helen now? What are you gonna, you guys gonna ride around on bikes with berets and fucking baguettes in the basket on the front of your bikes? Oh how romantic! What woman gives another woman a trip to Paris? Am I right? Lesbian! We're all thinking it, aren't we?
Becca : [quickly] I'm not.
Megan : I was.
Annie : Okay! Yes, we're all thinking it, right?
Annie's Mom : Annie...
Annie : Lillian, this is not the you that I know! The you that I know would have walked in here and rolled your eyes and would have thought that this was completely over the top, ridiculous, and stupid! Look at this shower! Look at that *fucking* cookie! Did you really think that this group of women was gonna finish that cookie? Really, and you know that reminds me actually; I never got a chance to try that *fucking* cookie!
Helen : I went to Thailand recently with my husband, Perry, and there's a beautiful saying that I learned there.
Helen : It means, "You are a part of me, a part that I could never live without. And I hope and I pray that I never have to." Khob-kun-Ka
[Bows to the crowd]
Helen : khob-kun-Ka, khob-kun-Ka. And that's it for tonight! Thank you for coming!
Annie : [interjecting] Really quick!
Helen : Thank you all for coming. The dessert wine is out.
Annie : I just wanted to say really quick.
Helen : [calling out] Consuelo!
Annie : Really quick! Speaking of Consuelo, Lillian and I took Spanish together in school. And so, I would just like to say to you and to everyone here, "Gracias para vivar en la casa, en la escuelas, en... en la azul... "markada". Tienes con "bibir" en las Fortuashla?" and gracias!
Annie : It's a good tub. I slept there for my 30th birthday.
Annie : [Drunk on plane, pulls open curtains to coach after getting kicked out of first class] It's called civil *rights*. This is the '90s.
Rhodes : How long has she been gone?
Annie : She's been missing for like 12 hours.
Rhodes : Twelve hours? It's not a missing person, until it's at least 24 hours. Have you ever seen CSI? 24 hours. Let me go on with my job Annie.
Annie : Please, I really need your help.
Helen : [peeks her head over] Please... Nathan?
Rhodes : Who's this one?
Annie : Hi, I'm Helen.
[reaches hand out]
Rhodes : What?
Annie : This is Helen...
Rhodes : [smiles] Hello, Helen. I've heard... wonderful things.
Annie : I'm sorry I didn't mean to waste your time... that's so embarrassing. Thank you.
Officer Nathan Rhodes : No, you are welcome.
[in a sarcastic tone]
Officer Nathan Rhodes : This is kind of high octane stuff that really made me want to become a cop. Missing girl found at her apartment... it's adrenaline pinching.
[awkward exchange of words]
Officer Nathan Rhodes : Anyway, go and save your friend from her apartment. Bye bye.
Annie : Carol, get your shit together Carol!
Annie : Hi, I can't get off the couch. I got fired from my job, I got kicked out of my apartment, I can't pay any of my bills, my car is a piece of shit, I don't have any friends...
Megan : [gets right in Annie's face] You know what I find interesting about that, Annie? It's interesting to me that you have absolutely no friends. Do you know why that's interesting? Here's a friend standing directly in front of you, trying to talk to you, and you choose to talk about having no friends.
Annie : [imitating Helen] Oh, you live in Milwaukee? Oh, I'm sorry.
Megan : I fell off a cruise ship, but I'm back
Annie : Oh, shit.
Megan : Yeah, "oh shit." Took a hard, hard, violent fall. Kind of pinballed down. Hit a lot of railings, broke a lot of shit. I'm not going to say I survived, I'm going to say I thrived. I met a dolphin down there. And I swear to God, that dolphin looked not at me, but into my soul, into my goddamn soul, Annie. And he said, "I'm saving you Megan." Not with his mouth, but he said it, I'm assuming, telepathically.