Despite his disdain for Zipser's studiousness Skullion does not report him but Zipser has another problem - he has the hots for Mrs. Biggs, his chubby, middle-aged cleaner. After a disastrous effort to get condoms in a pub vending machine Zipser goes to the suppliers and ends up with four gross of contraceptives by mistake. Sir Godber learns from the bursar that Porterhouse is broke and, to cut costs, plans to bring in outside caterers and launch an appeal as well as accepting scholarship students of both sexes. An appalled Skullion seeks the help of former student Sir Cathcart De'ath, a loopy aristocrat, to try and stop the master's innovations.
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