The Lego Batman Movie (2017)
Robin: My name's Richard Grayson, but all the kids at the orphanage call me Dick.
Batman: Well, children can be cruel.
Alfred Pennyworth: Were you looking at the old family pictures again?
Batman: At the what? The old family... Oh, yes! I see what you mean. Look at that! The old gang. Yeah. No, I wasn't.
Alfred Pennyworth: I see. Sir, if you don't mind my saying, I'm a little concerned. I've seen you go through similar phases in 2016 and 2012 and 2008 and 2005 and 1997 and 1995 and 1992 and 1989 and that weird one in 1966. Do you want to talk about how you're feeling right now?
Batman: I don't talks about feelings, Alfred. I don't have any, I've never seen one. I'm a night-stalking, crime-fighting vigilante, and a heavy metal rapping machine. I don't feel anything emotionally, except for rage. 24/7, 365, at a million percent. And if you think that there's something behind that, then you're crazy. Good night, Alfred.
Alfred Pennyworth: Sir, it's morning.
Batgirl: Why did you build this thing with only one seat?
Batman: Because last I checked I only had one butt
Batman: [voice over] Black. All important movies start with a black screen... And music... Edgy, scary music that would make a parent or studio executive nervous... And logos... Really long and dramatic logos... Warner Bros. Why not "Warner Brothers"? I don't know... DC... The house that Batman built. Yeah, what, Superman? Come at me, bro. I'm your Kryptonite... Hmm... Not sure what RatPac does, but that logo is macho. I dig it... Okay. Get yourself ready for some... reading. "If you want to make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and make a change. Hooo." No. I said that. Batman is very wise. I also have huge pecs and a nine-pack. Yeah, I've got an extra ab. Now, let's start the movie.
The Joker: Hold on a sec. Are you trying to tell me that Bruce Wayne is Batman... 's roommate?
Robin: It's the Batcave! Ohmygosh ohmygosh ohmygosh ohmygosh ohmygooo-!
[Bumps into Batman]
Robin: Batman, woah!
Batman: You're darn right, woah!
Robin: Wait, does Batman live in Bruce Wayne's basement?
Batman: No, Bruce Wayne lives in Batman's attic.
Batman: What am I gonna do? Get a bunch of criminals together to fight the criminals? That's a stupid idea.
The Joker: Are you seriously saying there is nothing, nothing special about our relationship?
Batman: Whoa. Let me tell you something, J-bird. Batman doesn't do 'ships.
The Joker: [Confused] What?
Batman: As in "relationships." There is no "us." Batman and Joker are not a thing. I don't need you. I don't need anyone. You mean nothing to me. No one does.
The Joker: [from trailer] You wanna play games, do you Batman? Save the city or catch your greatest enemy!
Batman: You think you're my greatest enemy?
The Joker: Who else drives you to one-up them the way I do?
The Joker: Superman's not a bad guy!
Batman: I like to fight around.
The Joker: You're seriously saying that there's nothing special about us?
Batman: There is no "us". Never will be.
The Joker: Hey Batman! Joker's home.
The Joker: I'm rubbing my butt all over your stuff. We're go Gonna have to rename this the Butt-mobile.
The Riddler: [after he and the rest of the villains are trapped inside a giant box] Riddle me this! What just happened?
Robin: Hey, I was thinking. If I'm gonna be a superhero, and go on awesome superhero missions like this one, can we use code names? Mine can be Robin.
Batman: I'm sorry, say that again?
Batman: As in the small, Midwestern frail bird?
Robin: Yeah, and I already have a catch phrase. Tweet, tweet, on the street.
Batman: Hard pass.
Robin: And a song.
Robin: Fly, Robin, fly.
Batman: Harder pass.
Batman: [from trailer] Hey mom, hey dad, I um, I saved the city again today, I think you would have been really proud.
The Joker: [Continuing to list villains] Mr. Freeze, Penguin, Crazy Quilt, Eraser, Polka-Dot Man, Mime, Tarantula, King Tut, Orca, Killer Moth, March Harriet, Zodiac Master, Gentlemen Ghost, Clock King, Calendar Man, Kite Man, Catman, Zebra-Man, and the Condiment King!
Pilot Bill: Okay, are you making some of those up?
The Joker: Nope, they're all real. Probably worth a Google.
The Joker: [Releasing the villains from the Phantom Zone] He's evil, he's magic, and it's about to get tragic. It's Voldemort!
[Starts zapping police]
Voldemort: You are a fish! You, a frog! You are a fish-frog!
The Joker: He's a 9,000-year-old incarnation of evil, with an eye for jewelry. Give it up for Sauron!
Sauron: Good afternoon, Gotham City.
[Fires a beam of fire at Gotham]
The Joker: He likes long, violent walks on historic builds. It's King Kong!
King Kong: Come at me, Gotham!
Batman: [from trailer] I deserve this today, today I deserve it.
Batman: [Batman's song] Who never skips leg day?
Batman: Who always pays their taxes?
Batman, Chorus: Not Batman!
The Joker: It's gotta be one or the other, Batman. Save the city, or catch your greatest enemy. You can't do both.
Batman: I'm sorry, what did you just say?
The Joker: You can't do both, I said.
Batman: No, I mean the other thing.
The Joker: Save the city, or catch your greatest enemy.
Batman: You think you're my greatest enemy?
The Joker: Yes! You're obsessed with me!
Batman: [blows a raspberry] No, I'm not.
The Joker: Yes you are.
Batman: No I'm not.
The Joker: Yes, you are! Who else drives you to one-up them the way that I do?
The Joker: No, he doesn't.
The Joker: Superman's not a bad guy!
The Joker: And rounding out the evil all-stars, Wicked Witch, Medusa, and British robots!
The Joker: Ask your nerd friends.
Batman: [to Joker] You're the reason why I get up at 4:00 in the afternoon and pump iron until my chest is positively sick.
Pilot Bill: Gotham Tower, this is McGuffin Airlines Flight 1138. We are transporting 11 million sticks of dynamite, 17,000 pounds of C-4, about 150 cute little classic bomb-type bombs...
Pilot Bill: We request permission to fly over the most crime-ridden city in the world. Over.
King Kong: Building survey! This building's not up to code!
Barbara Gordon: Batman's been on the job for a very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very long time.
Bruce Wayne: He has aged phenomenally.
Barbara Gordon: Why did you build this thing with only one seat?
Batman: 'Cause last time I checked, I only have one butt.
The Joker: Your city is under attack by Gotham's greatest criminal minds. Including... The Riddler... Scarecrow...
Scarecrow: Pizza delivery.
The Joker: Bane.
The Joker: Two-Face.
Two-Face: We need that door open, baby.
The Joker: Catwoman.
Catwoman: Meow, meow. You're in! Meow, meow.
Batman: [from trailer]
[Kicks Alfred into piano]
Batman: Alfred, I am so sorry. I have incredible reflexes.
Alfred Pennyworth: I should have known better than to sneak up on you, Master Bruce.
Batman: Hey, 'puter, I'm home.
Computer: Welcome home, sir. Initializing Batcave music. So, did anything exciting happened today?
Batman: I saved the city again. It was off the chain. Anyway, I should probably have some grub.
Computer: Alfred left your lobster thermidor in the fridge.
Batman: Oh, that's my favorite. I can't wait.
[Batman puts the lobster in the microwave, and mistakenly sets it up for 20 minutes]
Batman: Not 20 minutes. Stupid.
[He sets it up for 2 minutes and presses the start button as the microwave heats up Batman's lobster for 2 minutes]
Batgirl: Engine one down.
Batman: Not a big deal. Don't worry about it. It's fine.
Batgirl: Engine two down.
Batman: It does that sometimes.
Batgirl: We've lost engine three.
Batman: Oh, could live without it.
Batgirl: Engine four!
Batman: That I do need to fix.
Batgirl: If you call me Batgirl, can I call you Batboy?
Barbara Gordon: [sees Robin for the first time] Who is that?
Robin: Hi, police lady!
Barbara Gordon: Is that your son?
Robin: Yes, I am!
Batman: [laughs nervously] Is that my son? No, that's just weird.
Barbara Gordon: It's weirder if it's not your son.
Robin: Wow! Look, it's the Bat-Sub!
Batman: Wait, don't touch that!
Robin: Over there! It's the Bat-Space Shuttle!
Batman: Please keep your hands off that.
Robin: Look, it's the Bat-Zeppelin!
Batman: Don't touch that, either!
Robin: It's the Bat-Train!
Robin: It's the Bat-Kayak!
Robin: It's the Bat-Dune Buggy!
Robin: It's the Bat... Shark Repellent?
Batman: [pause] Uh, actually, you can touch that. It's completely useless.
Batman: So, are you ready to follow Batman and maybe learn a few life lessons along the way?
Robin: I sure am, Dad Two! But first, where's the seat-belt?
Batman: The first lesson is, life doesn't give you seat-belts! Let's go!
Jerry Maguire: You... complete me.
Dorothy Boyd: Shut up. You had me at hello.
Batman: [he laughs] Love it.
Pilot Bill: Captain Dale, is everything okay?
The Joker: I'm afraid Captain Dale had to bail. I'm your new co-pilot, and I always come to work with a smile!
[Joker smiles evilly. Pilot Bill just glares back]
The Joker: You should be terrified.
Pilot Bill: Why?
The Joker: Because I will be taking over the city.
Pilot Bill: Hmmm...
The Joker: What?
Pilot Bill: Batman will stop you.
[Joker blows a raspberry]
Pilot Bill: He always stops you.
The Joker: No, he doesn't!
Pilot Bill: What about that time with the two boats?
The Joker: This is better than the two boats.
Pilot Bill: Hmmm...
The Joker: Well, tonight is going to be different! Tonight is my greatest plan yet, and trust me, Batman's never going to see it coming.
Pilot Bill: Like the time with the parade and the Prince music?
The Joker: HEY, QUIET!
Batman: Okay, Robin. Together, we're gonna punch these guys so hard, words describing the impact are gonna spontaneously materialize out of thin air.
Batman: We are gonna steal the Phantom Zone projector from Superman.
Robin: [frowns] Steal?
Batman: Yeah. We have to right a wrong. And sometimes, in order to right a wrong, you have to do a wrong-right. Gandhi said that.
Robin: Are we sure Gandhi said that?
Batman: I'm paraphrasing.
Batman: All righ, kid. We need to avoid Commissioner Gordon. So, lesson number three. When going stealth, you gotta hide every part of you, physically and emotionally. Got it?
The Joker: Madam Mayor! Thanks for dropping by.
Mayor McCaskill: I've only got one thing to say to you, Joker.
The Joker: Well, you'd better make it fast.
Mayor McCaskill: Do you like to gamble?
The Joker: Oh, I certainly do.
Mayor McCaskill: Do you ever play roulette?
The Joker: On occasion.
Mayor McCaskill: Well, let me give you a word of advice.
The Joker: I'm all ears.
Mayor McCaskill: When playing roulette...
The Joker: Yes?
[the Mayor pulls her mask off, revealing herself to be Batman in disguise]
Batman: Always bet on black.
Robin: Woo-hoo! A month ago, I had no dads. Then I had one dad. Now I have two dads, and one of them is Batman!
Robin: [singing] It's raining dads...
Phyllis: You know, Mr. Batman, when you're a talking brick, working at the Phantom Zone, you see a lot of crazy things. But I've finally seen a man, in order to make the world a better place, take a look at himself and make a change.
Phyllis: I'm kidding. It's you.
Batman: Hey, kid!
Robin: Yes, sir?
Batman: You're super nimble, right?
Robin: I sure am!
Batman: And small?
Batman: And quiet?
Robin: [whispering] When I desire to be.
Batman: And 110% expendable?
Robin: I don't know what that means, but okay!
Batman: Batman's life lesson number two. Vigilantes don't have bedtimes.
Robin: Yes! So, what's the vigilante policy on cookies?
Batman: [laughing] Wow, that was fun! Really hope nobody was recording that. Let me see. Oh, this thing is on. This thing is recording.
Batman: So, when going stealth you've got to hide every part of you physically and emotionally.
Robin: [Robin runs behind trash can] Yeah!
[Voice echoes through trash can]
Batman: Already failed.
Batman: White. All important movies end with a white screen.
Jim Gordon: [answers the phone] Hello? Batman?
The Joker: Hi, Jimmy! It's the Jokes!
Jim Gordon: Nobody calls you that.
The Joker: [indignant] Yes, people do call me that!
Robin: Uh... Batman?
Batman: What's up, buddy?
Robin: Are we nearly at Wayne Manor?
Robin: Uh... your Number Two needs to go number one.
Batman: [groans] I though I told you to go back at the prison.
Robin: I tried, but Bane was in there.
Robin: He had sort of a "get out of this bathroom now" vibe.
Batman: I knew I shouldn't have given you that water. Can you hold it in like a big boy?