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"Brooklyn Nine-Nine" Sicko (TV Episode 2019) Poster

(TV Series)

(2019)

Quotes

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Jake Peralta: So, Caleb, we're tracking a serial killer and I was thinking you could help us get inside his head.

Caleb John Gosche: Just because I ate humans doesn't mean I'm INhuman, Jake.

Jake Peralta: Caleb, c'mon that's not what I meant.

Caleb John Gosche: Just kidding, I'm probably friends with the guy online.

[laughs]

Caleb John Gosche: What's his deal?

Jake Peralta: Well he's been murdering young men and cutting out their hearts.

Caleb John Gosche: Ew.

[Jake and Charles make surprised faces]

Caleb John Gosche: What, I would never eat a heart. I stick to the normal stuff, butts and thighs. One time I ate a foot but it was nasty.

Jake Peralta: I can see that.

Caleb John Gosche: You know what, there was some weird guy on the forum recently.

Charles Boyle: Forum?

Caleb John Gosche: Yeah, it's a chat room for people who like to talk about eating human beings but definitely won't act on it, wink. Yeah, it's hosted on...

Jake PeraltaCharles Boyle: Reddit.

Caleb John Gosche: Obviously.

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Jake Peralta: Look, we can handle this, sir. Do we joke around sometimes? Yes, but when it's time to buckle down, we're seasoned professionals.

Charles Boyle: That's why they call us the Spice Boys.

Jake Peralta: They don't and they won't.

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Dr. Oliver Cox: Okay, so whoever did this, they weren't careful with the organs. They just sorta grabbed whatever and yanked.

Charles Boyle: Title of your sex tape. Oh, that's just something we say back at the Nine-Nine.

Dr. Oliver Cox: Interesting, 'cause around here sex tape is what we call the adhesive you use to reattach a severed penis.

Charles Boyle: Oh, I'll have to pick some of that up.

Jake Peralta: Why?

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Caleb John Gosche: Jake! It's so good to see you! Come give me a hug, I'm not going to eat you! Also, don't hug me 'cause I will try to eat you.

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Scully: Look, we need to solve this to prove to that idiot John Kelly, how inane and useless his little app is.

Jake Peralta: Oh dip. I see what's going on. Holt is feeling petty.

Scully: I'm not being petty. I can assure you my feelings about John Kelly are purely professional.

Jake Peralta: Are they? Because every time his name is brought up in our group text thread you immediately send back a super catty GIF of some lady from "The Durrells in Corfu" rolling her eyes.

Scully: That's Louisa Durrell, exasperated by the pace of life on Corfu.

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Caleb John Gosche: Now, I'll tell you one thing. You are not looking for a cannibal.

Captain Ray Holt: Why do you say that?

Caleb John Gosche: With all that blood? No self-respecting cannibal would waste all that sauce.

Jake Peralta: See, Charles? He's a foodie, like you.

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Jake Peralta: Sir, there you are. We've been looking everywhere for. Kevin says he hasn't heard from you all night.

Captain Ray Holt: Yes, I've been sitting in my office wallowing in my hopelessness, and eating the saddest food known to mankind. Ice cream.

Charles Boyle: Oh, my god, he's Bridget Jones-ing.

Jake Peralta: Okay, well it's time to put that aside and pull out whatever food you eat when you're happy.

Captain Ray Holt: Dry beans?

Jake Peralta: Sure.

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Rosa Diaz: Captain Holt hates pranks. This is gonna backfire, man.

Jake Peralta: Ugh, fine, I'll tone it down. I'll... move his podium a foot to the left.

Amy Santiago: What? He'll be so angry.

Jake Peralta: Okay, five inches.

Amy Santiago: Five?

Jake Peralta: Three?

Amy Santiago: Three!

Jake Peralta: One?

Amy Santiago: One?

Jake Peralta: All right. I'll move it a half inch.

Amy Santiago: Fine. It's your funeral.

Jake Peralta: Oh my god. Worst prank ever. So stupid. Holt's not even going to notice.

Captain Ray Holt: Good morning.

[He puts his papers on the podium but stops for a second, realizing something is off]

Captain Ray Holt: You guys... the podium, it's... Ha.

[chuckles]

Captain Ray Holt: [laughter intensifies]

[riotous laughter]

Captain Ray Holt: [shouting] You're crazy! How did you pull this off?

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Captain Ray Holt: [on the phone] Yes, Kevin, they moved it a full half inch. I'll tell you the entire story tonight. I love you as well. Goodbye. Oh, that was a fun several moments.

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Terry Jeffords: Hey, Staten Island is great. It's got parks, loads of bike paths, tons of up and coming restaurants... I mean, easy access to New Jersey.

Amy Santiago: You're lying. Your right pec is popping all over the place. We all know that's your tell.

Terry Jeffords: Of course I'm lying. It's Staten Island. The precinct is the One-Two-Two. How the hell am I supposed to chant One-Two-Two? One-Two-Two! One-Two-Two! I sound like a damn choo-choo train!

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Charles Boyle: Patrols have searched a five-block radius. No sign of the perp.

Jake Peralta: And there were no prints. He was wearing gloves.

Charles Boyle: Like the inimitable Audrey Hepburn.

Jake Peralta: Nope.

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