Jake Peralta: So, Caleb, we're tracking a serial killer and I was thinking you could help us get inside his head.
Caleb John Gosche: Just because I ate humans doesn't mean I'm INhuman, Jake.
Jake Peralta: Caleb, c'mon that's not what I meant.
Caleb John Gosche: Just kidding, I'm probably friends with the guy online.
Caleb John Gosche: What's his deal?
Jake Peralta: Well he's been murdering young men and cutting out their hearts.
Caleb John Gosche: Ew.
[Jake and Charles make surprised faces]
Caleb John Gosche: What, I would never eat a heart. I stick to the normal stuff, butts and thighs. One time I ate a foot but it was nasty.
Jake Peralta: I can see that.
Caleb John Gosche: You know what, there was some weird guy on the forum recently.
Charles Boyle: Forum?
Caleb John Gosche: Yeah, it's a chat room for people who like to talk about eating human beings but definitely won't act on it, wink. Yeah, it's hosted on...
Caleb John Gosche: Obviously.
Jake Peralta: Look, we can handle this, sir. Do we joke around sometimes? Yes, but when it's time to buckle down, we're seasoned professionals.
Charles Boyle: That's why they call us the Spice Boys.
Jake Peralta: They don't and they won't.
Dr. Oliver Cox: Okay, so whoever did this, they weren't careful with the organs. They just sorta grabbed whatever and yanked.
Charles Boyle: Title of your sex tape. Oh, that's just something we say back at the Nine-Nine.
Dr. Oliver Cox: Interesting, 'cause around here sex tape is what we call the adhesive you use to reattach a severed penis.
Charles Boyle: Oh, I'll have to pick some of that up.
Jake Peralta: Why?
Caleb John Gosche: Jake! It's so good to see you! Come give me a hug, I'm not going to eat you! Also, don't hug me 'cause I will try to eat you.
Scully: Look, we need to solve this to prove to that idiot John Kelly, how inane and useless his little app is.
Jake Peralta: Oh dip. I see what's going on. Holt is feeling petty.
Scully: I'm not being petty. I can assure you my feelings about John Kelly are purely professional.
Jake Peralta: Are they? Because every time his name is brought up in our group text thread you immediately send back a super catty GIF of some lady from "The Durrells in Corfu" rolling her eyes.
Scully: That's Louisa Durrell, exasperated by the pace of life on Corfu.
Caleb John Gosche: Now, I'll tell you one thing. You are not looking for a cannibal.
Captain Ray Holt: Why do you say that?
Caleb John Gosche: With all that blood? No self-respecting cannibal would waste all that sauce.
Jake Peralta: See, Charles? He's a foodie, like you.
Jake Peralta: Sir, there you are. We've been looking everywhere for. Kevin says he hasn't heard from you all night.
Captain Ray Holt: Yes, I've been sitting in my office wallowing in my hopelessness, and eating the saddest food known to mankind. Ice cream.
Charles Boyle: Oh, my god, he's Bridget Jones-ing.
Jake Peralta: Okay, well it's time to put that aside and pull out whatever food you eat when you're happy.
Captain Ray Holt: Dry beans?
Jake Peralta: Sure.
Rosa Diaz: Captain Holt hates pranks. This is gonna backfire, man.
Jake Peralta: Ugh, fine, I'll tone it down. I'll... move his podium a foot to the left.
Amy Santiago: What? He'll be so angry.
Jake Peralta: Okay, five inches.
Amy Santiago: Five?
Jake Peralta: Three?
Amy Santiago: Three!
Jake Peralta: One?
Amy Santiago: One?
Jake Peralta: All right. I'll move it a half inch.
Amy Santiago: Fine. It's your funeral.
Jake Peralta: Oh my god. Worst prank ever. So stupid. Holt's not even going to notice.
Captain Ray Holt: Good morning.
[He puts his papers on the podium but stops for a second, realizing something is off]
Captain Ray Holt: You guys... the podium, it's... Ha.
Captain Ray Holt: [laughter intensifies]
Captain Ray Holt: [shouting] You're crazy! How did you pull this off?
Captain Ray Holt: [on the phone] Yes, Kevin, they moved it a full half inch. I'll tell you the entire story tonight. I love you as well. Goodbye. Oh, that was a fun several moments.
Terry Jeffords: Hey, Staten Island is great. It's got parks, loads of bike paths, tons of up and coming restaurants... I mean, easy access to New Jersey.
Amy Santiago: You're lying. Your right pec is popping all over the place. We all know that's your tell.
Terry Jeffords: Of course I'm lying. It's Staten Island. The precinct is the One-Two-Two. How the hell am I supposed to chant One-Two-Two? One-Two-Two! One-Two-Two! I sound like a damn choo-choo train!