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One Big Steaming Pile of Rancid Circus Peanuts
It was bad. This movie was the worst Rob Zombie film yet. No plot, no characterization, disappointing lackluster ending. And nothing we haven't seen before that's been done a thousand times better in other films.
It felt like they went dumpster diving in the trash pile of most of Zombie's films and took whatever edited out bits were laying in the dumpster to string them together for this steaming turd.
There is no character to root for, there is nothing but a bunch of aging actors trying to survive this film against other aging actors. In fact, the scariest part of the film is how badly certain actors have aged.
While I agree that Richard Brake's performance of Doom Head was very well done, even he could not save this film.
There's just nothing here. A bunch of aging stoners get kidnapped by some rich psychos who force them to spend the night trying to survive against a group of sadistic freaks wearing clown makeup. Everyone gets killed in various ways with lots of blood, but nothing really felt like payoff. Every kill was so meh because we've seen it all before and there was no motivation or characterization to care about. Money was the sole motive. We're shown that it's just a high paying job to Doom Head. And the game was just about a money bet for the rich.
But the characters/victims were so badly fleshed out that there was no reason to care who died. And there was no joy in watching a badly wrinkled up Meg Foster get brutally murdered. There was no suspense or anything.
The ending was a very disappointing pile of nothing. They could have added anything to make it more interesting. Instead, it just sits there rotting in the sun.
It's not good like Devil's Rejects, House of 1000 Corpses or even Halloween. This was bad from start to finish. Some people will like it for the kills, but it's a waste of time.
I first heard of this movie back in the Summer and was really looking forward to it for a long time. I loved Contracted and its sequel, and this movie seemed to promise something similar, but ultimately fell really flat.
This movie feels like taking a bite out of a beautiful shiny red apple, only to find tasteless mush inside it. They got the FX right, but nothing else was. The script was too bland to carry the plot anywhere.
It was very basic. Casey got bit by something underwater while on vacation in Costa Rica. And of course, whatever bit her was carrying something far worse than Lyme disease. This thing started to transform her into some other species.
There were very interesting FX and Casey got some new and deadly abilities. I really wish we could have seen more of where all that was headed.
The rest of the movie didn't have much plot. And the characters really weren't that likable. Casey had one friend who genuinely cared and wasn't that bad. The rest were not so good.
Ultimately, beyond the FX, there isn't anything to really like about this movie. The other reviews on here are spot on. We're all saying the same basic thing. It's not a good movie, but the FX will keep you entertained for awhile.
Contracted: Phase II (2015)
Above Average Zombie Movie
Wow, this one is GOOD. It was miles above the first movie.
The movie starts exactly where the first one left off. And then we switch to Riley, who has now become infected. And he's basically rotting away just like Sam did. And unfortunately, he is infecting several people along the way. We do get all the gross out moments and there are maggots.
There is also a detective and Riley tries to help her find BJ, the crazy guy who started it all. And there are some really good scenes with zombies and police officers and you can see how the disease spreads so easily.
The movie did an excellent job of fully explaining how the zombie outbreak started. There are a few unanswered questions and there's even a scene after some of the credits. I'm sure if they do a third movie it will give those answers.
The ending was excellent. Really well done. I don't think you'll be disappointed with this movie. It's much better than average. I felt it was worth watching every scene. I would recommend watching both the first and the second movie back to back because it's just kind of like one long movie they split into two. I hope they do a third.
Anger of the Dead (2015)
It was Dramatic and Suspenseful
But was it good? Well, the beginning was good. SPOILERS: The movie starts out with Alice and her daughter at home in their apartment when.......a zombie comes a knockin on the door. This we saw in the trailer.
Well, Alice survives and meets another survivor named Stephen. They hook up and have a few friends with them, so it's your basic zombie survival movie. Not everyone makes it. And there's a lot of drama in between. The movie jumps four months ahead to where Alice is pregnant. I actually found that to be the scariest part of the movie because it would be terrifying to be pregnant in a zombie apocalypse with fast moving zombies all over. And I was scared to watch the last twenty minutes because I didn't know what would happen to her. Turns out, how it ended is not what I was expecting at all.
There is a dual story here with a woman being experimented on and abused by some soldier guys. I wasn't really happy with that part of the movie, too much violence against women. But her story eventually converges with Alice's story.
This kind of movie you will either like it or hate it. I found it suspenseful enough to keep me watching till the end because I didn't know what would happen to Alice and Stephen.
It's low budget and there aren't enough main characters. It really needed a few more. And there were times I felt the movie just came to a screeching halt with too much talking and no action, but it has its moments.
I have seen a lot worse, I've also seen a lot better. For a low budget, it's average.
[Rec]³: Génesis (2012)
Rabid Zombies at a Wedding
Better than expected. This movie delivers.
The movie starts out with a wedding. But things change when one of the guests turns rabid. Lots and lots of zombie stuff as the guests turn into the wedding gifts that keep on giving.
The happy couple try to survive their now unhappy wedding day, as they got separated. A lot of the movie focuses on their undying love and finding each other again.
Tiny bits of humor, but mostly it was a bit more serious. The bride even goes a bit Resident Evil.
The ending delivers in a way I didn't expect.
Good zombie makeup, too.
It's an interesting entry into the zombie genre. And worth the watch.
The Great Ghost Rescue (2011)
A New Holiday Classic
If you like movies similar to Casper, you'll really like this film. It's got a warm, happy holiday feel to it. It's a good one to watch with kids.
The story revolves around a boy who dies accidentally, and then he finds himself with a new ghost family. But when their home gets torn down, they have to look for a new place to haunt. And they pickup a lot of new ghost friends along the way, and get into some fun situations.
The movie held my interest and kept me entertained, and I thought the cast did an amazing job of it all. It's definitely a keeper. And a great movie to watch for Halloween.
The Dead (2010)
Plot of the Slow and Dead
I waited a long time to see this movie. And ultimately, was so disappointed.
On paper, I'm sure the script looked good. You have two military men struggling to survive a zombie outbreak in Africa. That right there could have been a great plot. But it quickly degrades into nothing. The script was too weak.
The pacing was way too slow to the point of boring the audience. And the suspense was so repetitive, every scene was the same. Main character stops, zombies walk slowly. After awhile, you just didn't care.
Lots of shots of authentic scenery, which was okay, but it doesn't make a movie. If your script is weak and you have no real action, all the pretty scenes in the world aren't going to fix it.
The film suffers from not enough main characters, not enough good dialogue. Zero humor, there's just nothing funny in it at all. You can have a serious horror film, but even the most serious ones put in a little bit of dark humor. Mostly no plot, or a very paper thin one. (tiny spoilers) And an ending that looks like it was tacked on because they didn't know what else to do. Big clue: End it with the radio. That apocalyptic ending of just knowing it's everywhere, just end it right there with the sounds of the dead banging to get in. Would have been powerful. Not the tacked on sappy weirdness. Bad script writing.
Sadly, it's not really a memorable film. It's just as empty as the African desert.
Fertile Ground (2011)
I want the time back that I spent watching this
Seriously, can I get a time refund? This was awful. Overly long, drawn out story. Not much happens. Mostly, it's boring. You keep expecting something to happen, and nothing ever really does.
A couple move into a haunted house. Ghosts show up. Not much, though. Weird stuff happens. People die, the end.
It's been done a thousand times, and a thousand times better than this.
Has a crappy ending, too.
Why waste the time, you can find a much better movie to watch. The trailer made this look good, but you are better off just watching the trailer. Or go watch the original King's The Shining, at least that's got real creepiness.
Average, But Descent Slasher
PG13, really wasn't much gore. But the story was pretty solid. This film pays homage to several older films, including The Hills Have Eyes and Halloween. I kind of liked it. Although, I still felt it was a bit tame.
A couple buys an old farm house that just happens to have a cemetery out back. And, of course, the old occupant is woken up and out for blood. The movie spends a lot of time trying to give a backstory to the killer. The rest of the movie is pretty average. It's really only interesting for the little homage bits.
After seeing so many bad movies, this one really wasn't that bad at all. It just could have used a bit more gore, maybe a bit more action. But it's better than a lot of the junk that's out. It was worth sitting through.
Lost Boys: The Thirst (2010)
Full of Nostalgia and Little Else (Light Plot Spoilers)
This movie seems to be one of those "remember how we used to be" films. There are many flashback scenes to the original. There's a lot of that theme throughout the film, that just screams of middle age men sitting around telling tales of "how we used to be" and "remember when we were actually cool?" It's a good movie for fans of Edgar Frog. Corey Feldman seems to be channeling a bit of Snake Plisskin there. The movie opens with Edgar all alone, having lost his best friend Sam and his brother to vampirism. Edgar gets roped into helping a woman who claims her brother has been kidnapped by vampires who are using raves to create an undead vampire army.
The plot is okay, it's not all bad. It's just that it's old. It feels old and tired. And been there and done that. And a bunch of aging men reminiscing about how they used to be cool really isn't all that cool. Maybe I'd be less harsh if Haim were really in this movie. He's only there in flashbacks, and one sad prophetic scene at a cemetery, filmed way before he died.
Just when you think the movie is all paint by the numbers, they do add a few interesting twists at the end. And the soundtrack isn't bad. All in all, it's not really a very bad movie. It's just more of a remember how we used to be film that wishes it was a lot more cool than it is. But it does entertain.
Srpski film (2010)
Makes Eli Roth's movies look like Disney
SPOILERS in this review.
Wow. I sat through the whole thing. First, I want to say, it is a really well made movie. The movie fully fleshes out the main character. You feel like you do care about him and his family. The film really takes the time to build all this up. That being said, the subject matter really gets beyond sick.
Basically, a semi retired porn star, Milos, gets a call to work for a rich guy and be paid a lot of money, if he will do a porn film without knowing what it's about.
From the start, there are shades of kiddie porn. Milos is freaked out by it and won't do it. So when he says he's quitting, that's when things get bad.
The director drugs him, shows him a movie of a rape of a newborn infant. Really, really sick, and should probably get the film banned.
Then the drugs make Milos totally nuts and the director has him having sex and killing people while doing it and all kinds of stuff.
I'm not going to spoil the rest. But it's intense. It is shock porn. They wanted to do some really sick stuff and they did.
The ending wasn't really satisfying. I think it should have ended sooner than it did.
I think the movie crossed a line with the kiddie porn, and just IMO, I don't think it should have been released. But like I said, the movie itself is actually well done, but the subject matter is a whole other issue. I'll be surprised if the movie isn't banned in a lot of places. And it's certainly a film that will be talked about for years to come and place Serbia on the map. But would you really want your country known for kiddie porn? Watch it at your own risk, but it is more of an X rated movie than most.
Mass of Confusion
No real spoilers here. Basically, each drawn out scene was just jawdropping, but not because of the movie being anywhere near okay, but because it was done so badly.
How do you have Laurence Fishburne and Danny Trejo in an action movie and waste them? Their scenes were so much of a waste. They should have been the main characters. Instead, we got Adrien Brody. And I just sat there throughout the whole movie, staring at Adrien Brody, thinking he's some kind of poor man's hell version of Sly Stallone. He just wasn't making the grade here. Who did this casting? OMG. And the rest of the cast were just zeros. Might as well have cast anyone off the street here. My mail lady is more memorable.
The plot sucked, mostly because the Predators themselves never explain what's going on. And it was just a confusing mess.
The only part of the production team that really rocked were the makeup fx people. They got the Predators right and the other creatures.
The movie was disappointing with a bad cast and a junky script. I wanted to like it, but the longer it went on, the worse it got. I'm just disappointed.
Almost Good (SPOILERS)
Lots of spoilers in this post! Okay, the movie starts out with a politician who gets a fax he wasn't supposed to get, warning of a nuclear bomb about to go off in London? Can't remember what part of the UK. Anyway, he grabs an aide who is supposed to be from the US, they convince the military people to let them get to the SNUB, which is sort of an underground bunker thing.
A small group of other people go there, too. Another politician's family and their friends. And once they get in there, a few more people working down there turn up. And then.....bang, there goes the nuclear bomb. It destroys the entire city and it looks very impressive.
So now we have a bunch of people in this bunker wondering if help will come. And this is where things get stupid.
They send a few soldiers outside to check on a radio tower. The nuclear radiation of that magnitude would probably fry anything that moved at that point. But they go out anyway, and end up getting killed by........whatever.
So most of the movie is like "There's something or someone out there" and the soldiers got killed.
And then it turns into, whatever killed them is crawling around the ventilation system.
Then we get a story about escaped prisoners nearby who helped build the place. So guess what, some of them survived the blast and here they are. But are they zombies? They are half burnt and crispy looking, they don't talk, but they just want to kill everyone with weapons or their bare hands. I don't think they're zombies and the explanation given is the radiation made them nuts.
There's a lot of killing and there's some fighting back.
There's also a very stupid side plot of the US aide woman going outside in the radiation to get some help. Guess what, she actually comes back with a helicopter and saves the surviving people at the very end. And that just wrecked the whole movie. It was too neat, too copped out.
I liked it till that ending. And come on, a helicopter, in that blast? When you see how bad the blast radiation is, trust me, the ending is just stupid. It looks like total inferno out there with zero visibility, fire, ash. There's just no way she could have brought help back, let alone survived even a few minutes out there.
I didn't hate it, but I didn't love it either. And there's not much gore till nearly the end. Watch it if you're really bored.
Killer Bees (1974)
Haunting Tale of a Family Possessed by Bees
I had the opportunity to rewatch this film recently. I hadn't seen it since I was a child, and yet, this story always stayed with me.
The movie is about a couple, Edward and Victoria, who return to Edward's family home. He wants Victoria to meet his family before they get married. But his family holds a strange, dark secret.
The mysterious connection to the bees, it never really gets explained other than that the bees protect the family and the female head of the family can control them.
I really liked Kate Jackson in this movie. And they actually used real bees for most of it.
It's a really nice, creepy old made for TV movie, well worth the watch. I would love to see it remade some day.
All the Kind Strangers (1974)
Did Disney Make this Thing?
Lots of spoilers.
So awful, I don't even know where to start. Okay, let's start with the horrible folksinging soundtrack. OMG. I forgot they used to do that way back in the 70's. They would do these terrible songs that were supposed to mimic the plot. And that's what we have here.
We also have a plot so tame, it could be a Disney movie of the week. This movie can't decide if it wants to be The Waltons or a murder mystery. Except there really is no mystery as it's all given away very early on.
The movie has a good base plot that could actually be a horror film, if done properly. But unfortunately, it wasn't. Basically, the kids kidnap adults and try to force them to be their parents. And when it doesn't work out, the eldest one kills them. But not this time. As the hero of this film makes them see just how wrong killing is just by talking to them. Seriously, I was like WHUT? And they walk off together toward town so he can supposedly get the family some help. Then we get treated to more of the awful folksong. The end.
There was no blood and guts in this film. There were no killings. All we get is the knowledge that they have done this many times as there are many cars at the bottom on the creek and a lot of people's stuff left in the house. It's not a horror film. It could be remade into a great one, but as this film stands, it's like a terrible watered down Disney movie of the week.
If you're looking for horror, you will be really disappointed here. There's nothing to see.
Il bosco fuori (2006)
This movie is just like watching an old 70's horror film. Remember the oldies with the bad dialogue, terrible acting, and badly cut film? This movie perfectly captures that old feel. If you're a fan of those old movies, you'll like this.
The movie starts out with a couple who get attacked by some thugs on the side of the road. They are rescued by a couple who take them to their house in the woods. And of course, they have a secret. And it involves feeding their kid and strange family members in unusual ways.
The gore is good. The film cuts are hilarious. They really captured the bad shots, and if you're a fan of those old films, you'll really get what they were doing. Like the camera will hold a really long time on a weapon and it's just hysterical.
I was really surprised by this film. I would love to see more modern films made this way.
Like a Bad Car Crash
You just can't look away from this monstrosity of a film. I won't go into full plot details because so many comments here already contain the full plot. I can give a quick condensed version. Here there be SPOILERS.
Lucie escapes from a cult that was torturing her as a child. She has to leave behind another girl and becomes haunted by the vision of that girl. Fifteen years later, Lucie sees a newspaper photo of the couple who tortured her. She goes to their house and kills the entire family. She calls her best friend Anna to come and help her. Anna gets there and has doubts as to whether this was the right family. Lucie kills herself.
After Lucie dies, Anna discovers a hidden section of the house. And she discovers the girl Lucie left behind all those years ago. And the girl is still alive, but so badly tortured, she is beyond real help.
Cult members arrive and kill the tortured girl. They take Anna and then subject her to the same tortures that Lucie and the other girl suffered from. Mostly, it's scenes of this man beating her very badly. And she's chained up a lot. It gets really nasty. There is no fun watching this. It's very much like torture scenes from Hostel.
Finally, they skin Anna alive and she has what they think is a divine vision, which is what they were after. She tells the head of the cult the vision. We never hear what Anna says. The head of the cult commits suicide. End of movie.
It sucked. First of all, this is not a real horror film. It's a whole other genre. It is torture porn no matter what fanboyz keep claiming. There's a big difference between a horror film that has scary monsters and such that we have fun with, and something like this which just goes to extremes and shows violence just to really show a lot of violence.
I really don't like this new trend in films. And the French seem to be running with it now. If you like regular horror movies, I don't think you will like this movie. If you are into Hostel type films, you'll like it.
To me, this film just promoted violence and torture of women and it was clearly stated in the film that only women did well as being victims. I didn't like this movie at all.
White Light (1991)
A Soapy Lovestory with Some Action
This movie will appeal to people who like soaps and romances. It's a supernatural romance story.
Sean Craig is an undercover cop who ends up having a near death experience. During the NDE, he has a vision of a beautiful woman who needs his help. So, Sean decides to investigate and see if he can find her. But there's a problem, she's dead, or so he's told. He doesn't give up. And he eventually does solve the mystery.
It's really a good plot. It could be a better movie, but it's a satisfying romance. Anyone who has read a romance novel will probably like this. And it's worth spending the time watching it. Unlike most romance movies, this one really does pay off.
The Forgotten Ones (2009)
Can I Forget This Film?
What a waste of time. The opening sequence takes place in the past and looks promising. But then...we get to the present. And it all goes downhill from there.
The movie apes a lot of Predator sequences. But it's all a waste because the characters are really being chased by some kind of weird mutated bigfoot ape things.
Everyone dies pretty fast, so that too, was a waste.
Jewel's character is the only one left standing. And she ridiculously goes into Predator fightin mode. I'd say it jumps the shark right there.
The ending is anticlimactic. And you just kind of sit there like, that's it??? Total waste of time. Jewel did give it her all, though. But sometimes even good acting cannot save a really bad movie.
The Children (2008)
Old Fashioned Horror
This movie reminded me of the old 1970's horror films. It's slow moving at first, but once it gets going there is some gore. The horror slowly creeps up.
The plot is very basic. The children appear to catch some sort of viral infection. The parents don't really take it very seriously at first. But as each child succumbs, they turn into mini serial killers. The surviving adults have a hard time defending themselves as they slowly realize there is only one way to deal with the children.
I liked the actors and they felt very natural.
Complaints, well, it was very slow moving at first. And we never got an explanation of what the disease was or where it came from. So there really wasn't much to the plot. And there weren't enough adults, so we didn't get a whole lot of killings.
The ending is open for a sequel.
I would recommend the movie, but I think it's more for those of us who prefer older 70's horror.
Død snø (2009)
Nazi Zombies in the Snow
This movie almost reminded me of 1977's Shock Waves, except it's much more updated, more upbeat and takes place in the snow. It's also a little bit like Cabin Fever.
A group of people go up to a ski cabin on a snowy mountain for fun. A stranger comes to their door and tells them a creepy story about Nazis and the area they are in. And soon enough, there are zombies picking them all off.
The makeup was great. The zombies really looked good.
The death scenes were good, as well. Lots of gore.
My only complaint was that we could have used more characterization. I just didn't care about the characters all that much.
There are some funny scenes in the movie, but I'd say it's more serious than funny.
The movie does leave open for a sequel.
I liked the movie, and I usually don't like anything new that's out. It was worth sitting through the subtitles. It's very entertaining and I can see it becoming a classic. So, if you've been waiting to see this film, I'd say, it's worth the wait and will be worth getting on DVD.
The Day the Earth Sat Bored
Awful, drawn out, boring Hollywood crap. And that about sums it up.
Nothing seems to happen in this movie. It's a typical Alien comes to earth, stupid earth people shoot alien, alien almost destroys the world, changes mind, end of movie.
The only kewl looking thing in the entire movie was the giant cylon looking robot. But they barely used it.
The soundtrack was typical Hollywood, "attempting to make an epic film here" using lots of classical music.
Nothing really big seemed to happen until the last few minutes of the movie and even that was unimpressive.
Felt like I wasted my time. I think Keanu should go back to doing action movies.
Silent Hill: Origins (2007)
Silent Hill: Boring
I just finished playing this game. I found it boring. There was nothing new. It's all the same old thing. You go through the levels, find a key, a puzzle, whatever. Kill the monsters. It's not that this game was made badly. It's that it's played out and the main character you play is dull and boring. I just didn't care about his story. And when you finally start to learn what his story is, it's like who cares.
If I had never played a Silent Hill game before, I'd probably give this a higher rating. But as it stands, since I've played them all, I was just plain bored. They need to get different stories going or just end it already.
Graphics were fine. But nothing really new.
Levels were okay, but just really the same old thing.
I have no desire to play this game again. I'd only recommend it if you have nothing better to do, but like I said, I was bored. You might be, too.
Dying God (2008)
Actors Slumming it from the Writer's Strike
That's all I can think of as to why this movie is so horribly bad. The cast isn't the problem, it's the script and direction and the bargain basement production values.
The movie looks like someone took a camcorder and decided to attempt to make a movie, but it just doesn't work. And the story is all disjointed and it doesn't work, as well.
The basic plot centers around a corrupt cop who is trying to work a case that involves someone raping and killing women with a......massive member. It's not an original story. This was done years before in a movie called Incubus. That aside, it could have been a workable story if the production team knew how to actually make a movie.
I only watched this for the cast. How you can have Lance Henriksen, James Horan, and Misty Mundae in a movie and mess it all up is beyond me, but they managed to do it.
Don't bother with this low budget piece of junk. Rent an old Lance Henriksen or Misty Mundae movie, you'll enjoy that a lot more.
The Strangers (2008)
Candidate for the Worst Film of the Year
This was, so far, the worst movie I've seen not only this year, but I think in several years.
Lousy story. Bad direction. Zero plot. Plot? There was no plot. There was just nothing. One long night of not much, followed by a very short Hostel scene. We learned nothing about the killers. And the whole build up was stupid.
I can't even believe this thing was greenlit. Save your money and your time. If you want something scary there are a million better movies out there. This movie makes The Happening look good.
A ten year old on YouTube could come up with something better than this.
If I could have rated it below a one, I would have given it a minus fifty.